Not too much to report, still here, still living a crazy life and still not preggers. If all goes according to schedule, I should ovulate on Friday or Saturday. Although I’ve already kinda just thrown in the towel on the whole baby making business already. Yes, I can try, but sometimes I wonder if I’m trying for all the wrong reasons. Before the whole “I’m sorry, it seems as though you have a busted ute and piss poor ovaries” routine, the hubby and I were trying to have a baby because we loved each other and wanted to share that with our child (yes, you can say it CHEEESY). Now, it’s like yes we still want a cute and perfectly healthy baby with his eyelashes and my lips..But I feel like now we’re also trying to prove “yes, we can make babies.” I feel like we’re desperately trying to conceive on our own as to try and avoid all the IVF expenses. Baby making has now become more than that. So how do I go back to where we started. How to create that false hope of getting knocked up in 3 months or less? How do I take back all those times I didn’t even wanna “do it,” with the hubby but did it for scientific reasons? I so badly want to believe that I can go back to the old us, but has infertility changed us for good? Am I crazy for sounding so dramatic? Do you think it’s Oscar worthy? Which by the way, I can say I was pretty happy with. Slumdog Millionaire really deserved it. Well, that’s a seperate post I suppose.
OMG, so I haven’t written in like a month!! GTFO, I can’t believe that crap! It’s been a crazy past month. But the last few days have been the worst. hubby broke his hand playing softball on the Friday the 13, then I went in for “mild appendicitus” on the 15th..Does anyone else wanna argue that I’m not jinxed? Yes, that would be my luck. It’s been a rough few weeks, and although it seems to have flown by, I’m in the one of those baby funks that seem to grab me by my balls (if I had any) and causes me to curse out loud at this busted ute of mine. It’s been a whole year this month actually that I’ve been posting rants and raves, used far too many F* bombs, cursed the B-I-T-C-H of a nurse, had sweet fantasies of my Dr. McDreamy finally getting me up the shoot. (With my hubby’s high quality sperm that is). I’ve written about confusion, hope, “the secret,” and a ton about poor poor pathetic unexplained infertile me. Man, I must suck as a blogger. But on the up side, :0 I have been able to hear about all of you fantastic ladies who have become mommies or prego mommies, and I’m sending you all the congrats that I have. I’ve also formed great connections to those of us who still remain waiting. My heart aches for each of you and although it saddens me, I can feel and understand exactly how you’re feeling. And to be quite honest, I’m not quite sure what to say. Except to keep your hope alive. Try to sane in such a baby crazed world. Smile when you see a friend’s newborn, take a deep breath and believe it when you tell yourself “someday.” It’s hard not think “why not me,” and believe me when I say, I’ve actually thrown tantrums over those ridiculous words.
I could go on forever about the things that I’ve learned, gained and OBVIOUSLY not gained over the past year, but that would take longer than a year to describe. I’ve seen people grieve over their lost baby, watched people celebrate their little one’s first birthday, listened to friends talk about conceiving as if it were a hobby, sat in stirrups like a trained professional, became friends with a dildo cam, experiened Clomid induced mania, had hot flashes like a 60 year old menopausal maniac, had major blow out fights with the man that I love, learned that I loved him more than I knew, peed on a million OPKs and HPT, learned what the hell those letters stood for in blogger world, saw follicles grow, had more sex than some porn stars out there…with one man of coarse. Prayed til my head and heart hurt, cried til my eyes couldn’t cry anymore, had happy baby thoughts, had angry fuck the world thoughts, watched a life slip away, cried some more then finally found a little clarity. Reading all of your blogs, and having such kind and thoughful comments you bloggers have left have really helped me feel like I’m not alone. I may rant and rave and cry and curse, but this has become the one spot where I can be me and dwell on any feelings I might be having without guilt or regret. I’ve been able to look back over the year and see how I have or haven’t grown and thought about the things I could improve on..and for that I am truly grateful. Yet, until the day comes when I have either finally found acceptance of my infertility or until the day I deliver my sweet baby, I will continue to write for me, provide supports to others and share in their happiness as if it were me.
Wow, so I guess a lot can happen in just a few short days. Hubby’s grandfather died one week ago today, and it still seems like just yesterday we got the news that he was hospitalized. He went in peace though. He’s finally with the woman that he loved for over 50 years….50 years, can you imagine 50 years?!?! In today’s society where more than half of all marriages end in divorce, this man remained faithful, dedicated and in love with one woman…I can only hope that hubby and I are the same.
I know we will though. Dh’s “abuelito” taught him how to be a man. He taught him how to love a woman, how to play a great game of soccer, and how to remain constant regardless of the curve balls life seems to throw at you. I too learned so much from this man, and have never really understood what it feels like to lose someone of such importance and love. Yes, we lost our baby, and I’ll never forget that day..but losing a man who had done so much for so many, and literally watching his life slip away makes a person analyze what life really means.
Does it mean having the best of everything? Does it mean leaving a huge inheritance behind, or having a title worthy career? Yes, we’ve all heard this before, and to many it probably sounds very cliche. But it only hit home when I had to say good bye to a man that I just realized meant so much to me and our family. It was in that moment that I realized what a good life means.
It means being thankful for the air in your lungs. It means loving the man you promised to love for all eternity the best way that you can. It means making people (not just family and friends) feel loved. Giving more than taking. It means loving what I have and not cursing what I don’t. It means accepting the fate that you have been giving and learning how to make do.
I know that I can’t say that I won’t wish I could have had our own child. And that I won’t curse the fact that I can’t, but I can say that losing him has made me open my eyes to other possibilities. DH and I have begun to talk about taking another path. We just found out that while only a US citizen here, he has duel citizenship in Mexico where he was born. So, in an effort to create a family, and still seem connected to DH’s “home,” we’ve started to talk about Mexican adoption. I never thought I would ever utter those words, and I thought that if I did, it would be with a heavy heart. But by learning from “abuelito,” life is what you make of it, not how life is made.
Yeah for the smiley face, boo on not enough baby making. So the smiley face finally showed its chipper self on my OPK and I can’t tell you the reaction that I had. I looked at it, jumped up and down and screamed on the inside. YES, I’m making eggs! My ovaries are the shit!!! This was the first time in a while that I’ve used an OPK, and the first time that I went into a full baby making mode since the last IUI. And, to top it off, I kinda added some unprescribed estradiol. I had it from my last IUI since my endometrium only measured 6mm. Actually, every time it was measured I never reached over a 6 so I decided to self diagnose myself as having skinny uterine lining. Plus, I had some extra Metformin so I though “what the hell,” the worst has already passed. It can’t get much worse. I only have up to go.
I decided not to tell the hubby because I didn’t want him to feel the burden on BDing. Ever since we’ve stopped baby making, the s-e-x has been much better. Which leads me to my next obstacle that I had to concur, so if you tend to blush I would say that this is now the time to exit.
Have you ever gotten to the point where you’re in the midst of BDing, you’re so excited thinking this will be the time. A flood of baby images, the sperm and egg scene from “Look Who’s Talking,” comes to mind, its just that moment that you feel hopeful, excited and then BOOM!! It’s all said and done and you’re sure you two just made a baby?? Ok, so if you haven’t had that then please feel free to send me a number of a good shrink. My best friend calls it the primal instinct that we women all seem to have. I think primal is a bit much, but anways, its that biological alarm clock that seems to go off when he goes off.
Well, I must admit, I am a horrible wife. I had all the images come to mind..the cheesy smiley face on the OPK, the nursery images, baby everything and then it was over…only thing is, DH didn’t make it long enough to get to the sperm meets egg part if you catch my drift. In his defense that rarely happens, but you see he hurt his back so the whole baby making experience (not to his knowledge baby making) wasn’t as “effective” as I needed it to be. He was just in too much pain. I admit, I was pretty upset. I rolled over and couldn’t even look at him. How could he not come through when I needed him to? I was actually angry at him. Why did he have to get hurt on the day that I was ovulating? I convinced myself it was some ovulation demon curse and just laid there pouting. He asked if I was upset and I politely responded “No,” but I knew he knew otherwise. He apologized, and I couldn’t help but thinking “wimp, you only had to make it through this one little thing and you couldn’t..what the fuck?” He asked again and I said “babe, it’s not big deal, I mean it sucks that you didn’t and I didn’t either, but its not your fault.” Inside though, I kinda felt different though.
You don’t have to say it, I know, I was in the wrong. How could I blame him for not doing his part of the baby making if he didn’t even know that’s what he was doing. He was hurt, give him a break. All men must go through at least one of those nights, right? I know that’s what my head is telling me, but my bio clock, my primal me, just feels disappointed and like what a waste of a month. I feel horrible that I feel this way, and I know I shouldn’t, but I was soooo excited to see a positive OPK that I felt myself totally revert to Clomid and IUIs all over again. So my question is this: “is creating a baby as much of your biological wiring as it is your emotional wiring?” I know they say that each woman will probably feel the tick every now and then. But have I let my “need” to have a child interfere too much? I feel crazy for acting the way I did, but I almost felt desperate. How do I change it?
Well I made it through Christmas without a tear. I can’t say that I didn’t have to fight it though. As I look back over 2008 I know that I made at least a few mistakes. I’m not proud of em, but I did learn from them. With all the hormones, injections, IUIs and Clomid far behind me now I’m kinda hoping that I can just try to move on from all of this. I’m hoping 2009 will be hopeful, but I know I need to remain realistic. I can’t let my fantasy of being pregnant consume every month and every day. I look back and see that I lost so much time just worrying about whether or not we made a baby. I lost precious time with my husband, family and friends. But still, I don’t regret it. Like every year since 2004, I will continue to hope for a better year full of pampers, pacifiers, breast feeding, maternity clothes, ultra sounds, baby smells and positive HPTs. But, I will not lose myself hoping for it all. Every year on the 31st when I give my husband our New Year’s kiss I still ask for the same thing…to conceive on our own, to have a healthy full term pregnancy and to birth a live and healthy baby. And even though that was part of my New Year’s wish, I wished for me to find happiness in the everyday things that present themselves. Well, here’s to all of us moms in waiting that 2009 will not only bring a renewed sense of hope, but restored sense of faith in ourselves.
I told myself that I wouldn’t write so much anymore as to not dwell on something I cannot change. And then AF decided to show up and, I just can’t anymore. This would have been our baby’s first Christmas. I can’t help but think that everytime I venture out into Christmas Hell (i.e. the mall). Everywhere I turn, there’s baby boys and girls dressed up in their Christmas best ready to take pictures to send to everyone they may or may not even know. It sucks…..It sucks even more when I have to buy for everyone elses baby’s first Christmas. It’s kinda like one of those feelings you get when you spary antiseptic on a wound. It stings, makes you curse out loud, and then wonder how the hell you ended up with the wound in the first place. I’m trying to get through it with the power of positive thinking..”Don’t worry, you’ll be shopping for your baby to be, or little Christmas miracle next year.” I feel like getting pregnant has become almost a New Year’s Resolution..We all know how long those last.
And to add some more salt to my boo boo…IVF will have to wait until AUGUST!!! Hubby got military orders and will be gone from March to May..just long enough to miss the quarterly IVF for April. I’m looking at it as a blessing though. Maybe God just doesn’t intend for us to use IVF and spend that much money because I’ll get pregnant and conceive the old fashioned; and don’t forget free way. Or…maybe he knows that our wallets and credit scores are screaming for a break and he knows that we just can’t afford it…either way, the military has once again chosen how we will handle our fertility. In some strange way though, I’m glad they did. It kinda made my decision for me since I was still so uncertain. It worked.
Well, I haven’t written in a while, but i have been reading up on my favs. Good luck to you all, and Merry Christmas!!
Still here..I know it’s been light years since the last time I wrote, and I’ve been an absolute horrible blogger and commenter the past few months, but I’ve just been overwhelmed with everything else.
I got to go home for Turkey day. It was a real last minute thing, but I am so thankful I got to be there. Even though it seems like me and my parents never really get past the small talk, it still feels good to be with people who know me for me. In a way, I like that they don’t know about the whole fertility issue. They look at me for me…and not an infertile me..the way that I tend to look at myself. Have you ever looked in the mirror and just seen a blob of infertility. A few times, I’ve looked at my reflection in the mirror and seen nothing but failure and disappointment. But when my family and friends who don’t know our dreaded situation look at me, they see the brunette with blonde tendencies..the girl who loves pink anything. The girl who laughs at nothing, the pain in the ass, sarcastic fun loving clutz that they’ve always known. These days, since the TTC world seems to be far behind me, I’ve been looking at myself the same way. I’ve learned to accept and embrace the fact that whatever will be will be. When I was little my grandpa would sing that song to me; “Que será, será whatever will be will be the future’s not our’s to see que será será.” I used to think that song was the most pointless and annoying songs, but not I’ve tried to use it as my motto. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the pre-infertile, TTC, timed baby making, ovulation and pregnancy pee sticks and just be the girl that my friends and family know me for. Other days, I want people to know my story and know why it may be harder for me to attend a baby shower, or birthday. How about you? Do you feel that by others knowing your TTC journey and hardships it makes it easier to deal with or harder? There were so many awkward silences when I wanted to spill the baby or lack there of news. Then, I would stop, think about the conversation that would entail and wonder what their reactions would be and then caught the words just before they jumped off my tongue. I would love to tell them if I thought it wouldn’t change the way they looked at me. But, I know it would. I know, like so many other conversations, the topic would change from what I was wearing to what I was doing that month to get knocked up. Would they stop and pray for me? Would they think about my feelings when they asked about children? I’m not sure…and for fear of the unknown, I held it in. I know I should communicate my feelings, but that is so much easier said than done. Of coarse that doesn’t apply to this blog, but in every other sense of the word it applies. Because I so desperately want to become a person that I love I started to look at the way that I view myself. I even went to a spriritual advisor who claims to see spirit guides and angels…I’ll save that for another time. She said that my angels want me to learn three things:
1. How to forgive myself
2. How to communicate my feelings and wants to others
3. To find compromise in each situation I am confronted.
Now, I’m not sure if they really told her this, or if she watched an episode of Dr. Phil. Either way, it’s good advice. So, my first goal is to forgive myself. Let myself know that infertility is not my fault. I’ve always thought that it was a twisted way of Karma kicking my ass, but I need to learn to ask for forgiveness and accept it. I’m sure this will take much longer than I had hoped, but I need to try. Once I have those three things in order; according to her, the Universe and God will sort of arrange itself to meet my requests. I just have to open myself up to it. I know I know..it sounds like I’m some free loving, tree hugger, tie dye, weed smoking throw back from the 60’s, but maybe it’s worth a try. It’s like DH said..I’ve tried everything so far, why stop there.
I know I haven’t commented in a long while, but I want you to know that I have tried to keep up with other blogs, and even though I don’t write it..I do have my fingers crossed for all of you.