Not much to report here. Had a wicked hangover the day after Halloween, but I was grateful for it. I made me see that I was still alive. I was still able to let myself have fun. It’s going to take more than a while and a few Jello shots to get over the grief, but somehow puking my guts out and laying on the couch with a 7up made me see that we DO have a life after all of this infertility. We still have friends and family that want to be with us for “us.” Sure they may all be pregnant by this time next year, but good for them. I won’t say that it will won’t hurt any less to go to their baby showers and buy their baby cute pink and blue things, but I will try to take pride in the fact that we tried. As of right now, we’re still on the IVF fence for April. That’s the next round of IVF that the military does. It’s kind of like a huge cattle call for the infertile military people throughout the West half of America.
There’s only 2 RE clincs in the states and we got so lucky enough to be living 20 minutes from one. So every quarter they open up and do one huge IVF run. The waiting room is full of wannabe mommy’s and it’s terrifying for me to think that with 60% odds, some of those deserving mommys won’t get that chance. I’m terrified that I’ll be one of those 40%. And for that, I’m just not quite sure I can face that yet. I have to make up my mind soon, soon as in yesterday soon, but I’m having such a hard time with this. I’m hoping that I’ll get some type of divine intervention to lead me one way or another. I guess my angels just haven’t gotten the memo. Or hell, maybe they did, and all this time they’ve been trying to tell me, but I just don’t want to hear it. FUCK, I need someone to just spell it out for me.