Tag Archives: AF

Primal instincts

Yeah for the smiley face, boo on not enough baby making. So the smiley face finally showed its chipper self on my OPK and I can’t tell you the reaction that I had. I looked at it, jumped up and down and screamed on the inside. YES, I’m making eggs! My ovaries are the shit!!! This was the first time in a while that I’ve used an OPK, and the first time that I went into a full baby making mode since the last IUI.  And, to top it off, I kinda added some unprescribed estradiol. I had it from my last IUI since my endometrium only measured 6mm. Actually, every time it was measured I never reached over a 6 so I decided to self diagnose myself as having skinny uterine lining. Plus, I had some extra Metformin so I though “what the hell,” the worst has already passed. It can’t get much worse. I only have up to go.

I decided not to tell the hubby because I didn’t want him to feel the burden on BDing. Ever since we’ve stopped baby making, the s-e-x has been much better. Which leads me to my next obstacle that I had to concur, so if you tend to blush I would say that this is now the time to exit.

Have you ever gotten to the point where you’re in the midst of BDing, you’re so excited thinking this will be the time. A flood of baby images, the sperm and egg scene from “Look Who’s Talking,” comes to mind, its just that moment that you feel hopeful, excited and then BOOM!! It’s all said and done and you’re sure you two just made a baby?? Ok, so if you haven’t had that then please feel free to send me a number of a good shrink. My best friend calls it the primal instinct that we women all seem to have. I think primal is a bit much, but anways, its that biological alarm clock that seems to go off when he goes off.

Well, I must admit, I am a horrible wife. I had all the images come to mind..the cheesy smiley face on the OPK, the nursery images, baby everything and then it was over…only thing is, DH didn’t make it long enough to get to the sperm meets egg part if you catch my drift. In his defense that rarely happens, but you see he hurt his back so the whole baby making experience (not to his knowledge baby making) wasn’t as “effective” as I needed it to be. He was just in too much pain. I admit, I was pretty upset. I rolled over and couldn’t even look at him. How could he not come through when I needed him to? I was actually angry at him. Why did he have to get hurt on the day that I was ovulating? I convinced myself it was some ovulation demon curse and just laid there pouting. He asked if I was upset and I politely responded “No,” but I knew he knew otherwise. He apologized, and I couldn’t help but thinking “wimp, you only had to make it through this one little thing and you couldn’t..what the fuck?” He asked again and I said “babe, it’s not big deal, I mean it sucks that you didn’t and I didn’t either, but its not your fault.” Inside though, I kinda felt different though.

You don’t have to say it, I know, I was in the wrong. How could I blame him for not doing his part of the baby making if he didn’t even know that’s what he was doing. He was hurt, give him a break. All men must go through at least one of those nights, right? I know that’s what my head is telling me, but my bio clock, my primal me, just feels disappointed and like what a waste of a month. I feel horrible that I feel this way, and I know I shouldn’t, but I was soooo excited to see a positive OPK that I felt myself totally revert to Clomid and IUIs all over again. So my question is this: “is creating a baby as much of your biological wiring as it is your emotional wiring?” I know they say that each woman will probably feel the tick every now and then. But have I let my “need” to have a child interfere too much? I feel crazy for acting the way I did, but I almost felt desperate. How do I change it?

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Am I a Grinch?

I told myself that I wouldn’t write so much anymore as to not dwell on something I cannot change. And then  AF decided to show up and, I just can’t anymore. This would have been our baby’s first Christmas. I can’t help but think that everytime I venture out into Christmas Hell (i.e. the mall). Everywhere I turn, there’s baby boys and girls dressed up in their Christmas best ready to take pictures to send to everyone they may or may not even know. It sucks…..It sucks even more when I have to buy for everyone elses baby’s first Christmas. It’s kinda like one of those feelings you get when you spary antiseptic on a wound. It stings, makes you curse out loud, and then wonder how the hell you ended up with the wound in the first place. I’m trying to get through it with the power of positive thinking..”Don’t worry, you’ll be shopping for your baby to be, or little Christmas miracle next year.” I feel like getting pregnant has become almost a New Year’s Resolution..We all know how long those last.

And to add some more salt to my boo boo…IVF will have to wait until AUGUST!!! Hubby got military orders and will be gone from March to May..just long enough to miss the quarterly IVF for April. I’m looking at it as a blessing though. Maybe God just doesn’t intend for us to use IVF and spend that much money because I’ll get pregnant and conceive the old fashioned; and don’t forget free way. Or…maybe he knows that our wallets and credit scores are screaming for a break and he knows that we just can’t afford it…either way, the military has once again chosen how we will handle our fertility. In some strange way though, I’m glad they did. It kinda made my decision for me since I was still so uncertain. It worked.

Well, I haven’t written in a while, but i have been reading up on my favs. Good luck to you all, and Merry Christmas!!

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Que Será, Será

Still here..I know it’s been light years since the last time I wrote, and I’ve been an absolute horrible blogger and commenter the past few months, but I’ve just been overwhelmed with everything else.

I got to go home for Turkey day. It was a real last minute thing, but I am so thankful I got to be there. Even though it seems like me and my parents never really get past the small talk, it still feels good to be with people who know me for me. In a way, I like that they don’t know about the whole fertility issue. They look at me for me…and not an infertile me..the way that I tend to look at myself. Have you ever looked in the mirror and just seen a blob of infertility. A few times, I’ve looked at my reflection in the mirror and seen nothing but failure and disappointment. But when my family and friends who don’t know our dreaded situation look at me, they see the brunette with blonde tendencies..the girl who loves pink anything. The girl who laughs at nothing, the pain in the ass, sarcastic fun loving clutz that they’ve always known. These days, since the TTC world seems to be far behind me, I’ve been looking at myself the same way. I’ve learned to accept and embrace the fact that whatever will be will be. When I was little my grandpa would sing that song to me; “Que será, será whatever will be will be the future’s not our’s to see que será será.” I used to think that song was the most pointless and annoying songs, but not I’ve tried to use it as my motto. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the pre-infertile, TTC, timed baby making, ovulation and pregnancy pee sticks and just be the girl that my friends and family know me for. Other days, I want people to know my story and know why it may be harder for me to attend a baby shower, or birthday. How about you? Do you feel that by others knowing your TTC journey and hardships it makes it easier to deal with or harder? There were so many awkward silences when I wanted to spill the baby or lack there of news. Then, I would stop, think about the conversation that would entail and wonder what their reactions would be and then caught the words just before they jumped off my tongue. I would love to tell them if I thought it wouldn’t change the way they looked at me. But, I know it would. I know, like so many other conversations, the topic would change from what I was wearing to what I was doing that month to get knocked up. Would they stop and pray for me? Would they think about my feelings when they asked about children? I’m not sure…and for fear of the unknown, I held it in. I know I should communicate my feelings, but that is so much easier said than done. Of coarse that doesn’t apply to this blog, but in every other sense of the word it applies. Because I so desperately want to become a person that I love I started to look at the way that I view myself. I even went to a spriritual advisor who claims to see spirit guides and angels…I’ll save that for another time. She said that my angels want me to learn three things:

1. How to forgive myself

2. How to communicate my feelings and wants to others

3. To find compromise in each situation I am confronted.

Now, I’m not sure if they really told her this, or if she watched an episode of Dr. Phil. Either way, it’s good advice. So, my first goal is to forgive myself. Let myself know that infertility is not my fault. I’ve always thought that it was a twisted way of Karma kicking my ass, but I need to learn to ask for forgiveness and accept it. I’m sure this will take much longer than I had hoped, but I need to try. Once I have those three things in order; according to her, the Universe and God will sort of arrange itself to meet my requests. I just have to open myself up to it. I know I know..it sounds like I’m some free loving, tree hugger, tie dye, weed smoking throw back from the 60’s, but maybe it’s worth a try. It’s like DH said..I’ve tried everything so far, why stop there.

I know I haven’t commented in a long while, but I want you to know that I have tried to keep up with other blogs, and even though I don’t write it..I do have my fingers crossed for all of you.

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On the Road again??

To be sung to the appropriate tune.

 

We had our last CD4 appointment yesterday, and to tell you the truth I couldn’t even tell you how I feel right now. One minute I feel almost relieved that this has all come to an end. Although its not the fairytale I had imagined, I think right now, I just need some type of closure to this, good or bad. Of coarse I would be a liar if I said that I wasn’t hurt as hell about the outcome, but then again, I’m trying to see the bigger picture…and the other purposes I might have in life..Then the “wannabe mommy” kicks in and I can literally feel my heart ache. I didn’t even think that could actually happen, but unfortunately its happened one too many times to me by now. Then, another second later, I tell myself that maybe we’re not as ready (financially, emotionally etc) as we had originally thought and then I thank my lucky stars that God might just know a little more than I do. Do you see the never ending circle I’m walking? It’s like this sick wheel of fortune where I get rich and bankrupt in a matter of spins. Horrible analogy I know, but that’s what it feels like. I just never know what I’m gonna get and I just never know how I’m going to handle it until “it” whatever that may be happens.

Enough about my own personal and emotional game show, on to the literal. As I laid down and took it one more time from the dildo cam, McSteamy asked me why I wasn’t pregnant yet, and all I could manage to politely get out was “you tell me.” I laughed. He said that this “HAS TO WORK THIS TIME.” No shit asshole, I think I’ve been saying that since I threw out the condoms eons ago!! But just before I lost it, I just smiled and said that this was for all the marbles. Once he had counted follies, and my thin as usual lining he asked why this was for all the marbles. I told him that this would be the last time we did an IUI before we moved to IVF; which is when I added that I had to postpone the Jan. IVF due to a new job. He didn’t say much after that, and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, either way, its really not up to him anymore. We tried it his way, and so far all I’ve got is a couple of monthly visits from AF, mood swings, hot flashes, timed sex, some pre-seed lube and a partridge in a pear tree. So its not really his choice anymore. He counted 8 follies less than 10 on the Left and 11 on the Right and RX’ed me the usual..Clomid CD4-8 and Bravelle CD8-13. I asked if there was anything else I could for my skinny uterus since it never gets any thicker than a 7 and he said as long as it was over 6 I should be ok…Uhmm, that hasn’t worked. What else you got?

I left the office with a weird sense of routine disappointment and for once a feeling of “I just don’t care anymore.” As I walked out I noticed the same sweet lady that had so politely smiled at me and asked how many IUI’s I had been through. She’s the one I blogged about. I overheard her talking that she was there for an OB not RE visit, and she was glowing. She looked at me as if she recognized at me, smiled and said good luck. I smiled back and in side wanted to hug her. She deserved her happy ending. I was genuinely happy for her, and couldn’t help but tell myself “good for her. she fought the fight, and WON!!”

I’m not quite sure if I’ll ever get my own victory lap, but my congrats to those who have run or is running theirs, and my heart to those who are still in the starting blocks.

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Hello world!!!

Sorry for the longest hiatus in blogger history, but with work and everything else going on, I’ve barely had time to keep track of the days. It’s been a while so there’s lots to tell, but of coarse there’s no new news on the baby front. Because of my new job I had to put off the last IUI and just my luck, had the AF that they wanted me to have…long, heavy and painful. The Dr. said that I needed one of those to start “fresh” and that I may have better results. Of coarse I skipped the IUI so who know’s, guess it wasn’t meant to be. Today marks CD2 for me, and lucky for us, we get to finish our last IUI. One year from the date that we started this whole mess. It’s funny as I look back over the past year, I think about how my hopes and expectations have changed in just a matter of 12 months. Last year, I was convinced that I would have a newborn this year, or at least be pregnant. Now, one year later, I can’t say that I even know what’s in store 6 months from now. Dh and I have given everything a lot of thought, and we decided that come April we will be going through with IVF. If that fails, then we will take a long break from baby making, dreaming, planning, etc. for about two years then start to think about adoption. I can’t believe this infertility journey has taken me from hopeful to regretful, disappointed to angry, and now I’ve finally come to acceptance. What do ya know, after actually seeing my stages, I realized they look a lot like the stages of grief. I’m moving on with my world, I won’t allow this to rule my life anymore. While I’ll always be hopeful, I have to remain grateful for the things that I have and work at the things that I can change, instead of obsess over the things I can’t. I’m sorry if this sounds like a pitty party, by no means do I want it to sound like that, in fact, I want it to sound like hope for anyone who is out there, that may, unfortunately be just beginning on this infertile journey. I’m happy at where we are now. I may not have everything that I want, but the most important things like, a husband who loves me, friends who support me, and a family to lean on, puppies who humor me, and a lifestyle I can be proud of. For now, I will count the blessings that I have. That’s all I can do.

 

I know I have been a HORRIBLE blogger, commenter, reader, etc., but I’m doing my best to change that. I have a million blogs to read, and probably a million more comments to make, but bear with me.

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Living in the present sucks!!!

Well I only have two days left here at my old job. Then by Tuesday, I will be Community Event Coordinator to the Dean of Admissions for the School of Medicine here at the university. I know lengthy title, but all it really means is that I am the one who manages all events and conferences for the school. It is BY NO MEANS what I thought I would be doing, and my heart is still into teaching, but I can’t sign a teaching contract for 3+ years here since we only have two years left here. After that we should be PCS’ing again. So for now, I just have to sit on that bench too.

I must admit, I am crawling out of my skin with nerves. In all actuality, I don’t even know if I want to do this job. Its so far off from my career field and what I know, I don’t even know how I landed the job. I’ve been told by countless people what an opportunity this is, but really I see it as another step back for me.

Since the new job starts when AF does, our last IUI had to take a back seat til October. Then, since I won’t have the vacation time in January, the IVF got put back even longer. I wanted to go back to school to maybe work on a double major, but that can’t happen. All in all, I feel like I may be dooming this job before I’ve even tried it. But right now, I just feel like I’ve been on the losing end of every stick so far, and I was really hoping to have made a good change.

I was excited at first when they offered the position, now I just feel like a ball of emotions. I don’t want to leave the adoption world. I love what I do. I love helping families just like me and DH finally realize their dreams of a family. I love knowing that I had a part in giving a better life to a child that deserves it. Now, I just feel like I’m just part of Corporate America. And let’s face it, while that is a great option for many others. That’s not me.

I majored in childhood education and social services because I wanted to be able to make a difference. I wanted to help children and be a part of their lives, even if I couldn’t have my own. I like feeling as if it’s ok to have a heart..And in this job, it just seems that there isn’t any room for emotions. And that scares me.

DH, who is in the medical field thought it would be a great opportunity for me and us. Its more pay than a teacher or my last job. He says that it would be less emotionally taxing, and it would give us a good stable future. He was and still is so excited for me. And, me, well I cried like a baby when I told him that I got the job.

But, since I have to keep reminding myself that life isn’t always about me…oooo that hurts to say. Its about him and me, I guess I will have to be happy with what I have in front of me. My friend gave me some great advice…You can’t dwell on the past when past is over and done with. And you can’t only focus on the future, because you will lose sight of what’s right in front of you. So, living in the present, and not for the future, I have to do what is best for the two of us right now.

I can’t dwell on having a baby, because I don’t even know if that IS in the future for us. I can’t force myself into teaching because it’s not possible for me right now. I keep trying to think about when our baby would be born, and what I would be doing by then, or need to be doing, and because of that, I know that I have lost out on some pretty good opportunities. I can’t pass on anymore.

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Ding Dong guess who??

AF: “Well hello sweetie it’s been a while, 28 days to be exact.”

ME: “Yo bitch make yourself at home. As you already know IUI #5 has not worked. But I figured as such, so I went ahead and changed the sheets for you. Not that you won’t be staying long (hint hint).”

AF: “Me, little ol me?” “I never stay too long. Just long enough to send you a message from my mother, mother nature..I think she told me to tell you something like Fuck you, get a life, there’s no baby in that womb of yours, then said to give you this…”as she ever so delicately gives the finger.

ME: “Why thank you for that. I needed yet another reminder that I am a freak of biology. What rags would you prefer for your stay? Playtex or Kotex?” “After all, I might as well keep you comfy. Maybe you will show me a little gratitude, please?”

AF: “Oh how nice of you to ask me, but don’t worry my pet, I will soon see you again.”

ME: “Yes Auntie I’m sure you will. Same time next month? But guess what??” I won’t care if you come next month or even the month after. Wanna know why?? Cuz I just landed the coolest job around and should really focus on being a successful career woman since I’m not so successful in the fertile department. So please send a message to Mother Nature for me, SCREW YOU!!!!!!!” And please give her a swift kick in the ass, and the finger just to top it off. GO ME!!!!!!

Ok so, she hasn’t reared her bright red face as of yet, but I will be expecting her on Sunday or Monday just a day or two before my big first day at my new big girl job, but hey, she can tag along if she feels the need to. Right now, her home girl PMS aka bitchy has taken up shop and I am officially the size of a small village, and seem to have eaten everything in sight including the villagers. So until she comes I will continue to snack on all things chocolate, fried and sugarfied. Considering that my ovaries have been through hell and back, I guess they deserve any break that they can get.

Which, speaking of, since I have a mandatory orientation right around the days that I should be going to the RE, I will have to ask if we can put our last IUI on hold for a month or two at least until I get a little more comfortable in asking for the time. I mean, what’s the point really? I’ve had 5!!!!, yes, that’s one hand full of IUIs and none of them have even come close to a BFP, so I don’t see the rush in seeing yet another Big Fuckin Negative. Which means I will most definitely be pushing the IVF back as well. I can’t and won’t have the vacation time to take in January for the days needed to devote to Lupron, and Gonal-F injections, egg retrieval and then transfer. So what’s the point in even trying to rush through the whole thing. I guess I will just have to sit motherhood out another year. Please don’t think that by my tone I’m not kicking and screaming, because I am. But, I have to play the cards that I have in my hand instead of trying to bluff the dealer.. i.e “The Big Man Upstairs.” So for now, I will quietly sit on the mommy bench and hope the best for all of you.

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