Still here..I know it’s been light years since the last time I wrote, and I’ve been an absolute horrible blogger and commenter the past few months, but I’ve just been overwhelmed with everything else.
I got to go home for Turkey day. It was a real last minute thing, but I am so thankful I got to be there. Even though it seems like me and my parents never really get past the small talk, it still feels good to be with people who know me for me. In a way, I like that they don’t know about the whole fertility issue. They look at me for me…and not an infertile me..the way that I tend to look at myself. Have you ever looked in the mirror and just seen a blob of infertility. A few times, I’ve looked at my reflection in the mirror and seen nothing but failure and disappointment. But when my family and friends who don’t know our dreaded situation look at me, they see the brunette with blonde tendencies..the girl who loves pink anything. The girl who laughs at nothing, the pain in the ass, sarcastic fun loving clutz that they’ve always known. These days, since the TTC world seems to be far behind me, I’ve been looking at myself the same way. I’ve learned to accept and embrace the fact that whatever will be will be. When I was little my grandpa would sing that song to me; “Que será, será whatever will be will be the future’s not our’s to see que será será.” I used to think that song was the most pointless and annoying songs, but not I’ve tried to use it as my motto. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the pre-infertile, TTC, timed baby making, ovulation and pregnancy pee sticks and just be the girl that my friends and family know me for. Other days, I want people to know my story and know why it may be harder for me to attend a baby shower, or birthday. How about you? Do you feel that by others knowing your TTC journey and hardships it makes it easier to deal with or harder? There were so many awkward silences when I wanted to spill the baby or lack there of news. Then, I would stop, think about the conversation that would entail and wonder what their reactions would be and then caught the words just before they jumped off my tongue. I would love to tell them if I thought it wouldn’t change the way they looked at me. But, I know it would. I know, like so many other conversations, the topic would change from what I was wearing to what I was doing that month to get knocked up. Would they stop and pray for me? Would they think about my feelings when they asked about children? I’m not sure…and for fear of the unknown, I held it in. I know I should communicate my feelings, but that is so much easier said than done. Of coarse that doesn’t apply to this blog, but in every other sense of the word it applies. Because I so desperately want to become a person that I love I started to look at the way that I view myself. I even went to a spriritual advisor who claims to see spirit guides and angels…I’ll save that for another time. She said that my angels want me to learn three things:
1. How to forgive myself
2. How to communicate my feelings and wants to others
3. To find compromise in each situation I am confronted.
Now, I’m not sure if they really told her this, or if she watched an episode of Dr. Phil. Either way, it’s good advice. So, my first goal is to forgive myself. Let myself know that infertility is not my fault. I’ve always thought that it was a twisted way of Karma kicking my ass, but I need to learn to ask for forgiveness and accept it. I’m sure this will take much longer than I had hoped, but I need to try. Once I have those three things in order; according to her, the Universe and God will sort of arrange itself to meet my requests. I just have to open myself up to it. I know I know..it sounds like I’m some free loving, tree hugger, tie dye, weed smoking throw back from the 60’s, but maybe it’s worth a try. It’s like DH said..I’ve tried everything so far, why stop there.
I know I haven’t commented in a long while, but I want you to know that I have tried to keep up with other blogs, and even though I don’t write it..I do have my fingers crossed for all of you.