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Primal instincts

Yeah for the smiley face, boo on not enough baby making. So the smiley face finally showed its chipper self on my OPK and I can’t tell you the reaction that I had. I looked at it, jumped up and down and screamed on the inside. YES, I’m making eggs! My ovaries are the shit!!! This was the first time in a while that I’ve used an OPK, and the first time that I went into a full baby making mode since the last IUI.  And, to top it off, I kinda added some unprescribed estradiol. I had it from my last IUI since my endometrium only measured 6mm. Actually, every time it was measured I never reached over a 6 so I decided to self diagnose myself as having skinny uterine lining. Plus, I had some extra Metformin so I though “what the hell,” the worst has already passed. It can’t get much worse. I only have up to go.

I decided not to tell the hubby because I didn’t want him to feel the burden on BDing. Ever since we’ve stopped baby making, the s-e-x has been much better. Which leads me to my next obstacle that I had to concur, so if you tend to blush I would say that this is now the time to exit.

Have you ever gotten to the point where you’re in the midst of BDing, you’re so excited thinking this will be the time. A flood of baby images, the sperm and egg scene from “Look Who’s Talking,” comes to mind, its just that moment that you feel hopeful, excited and then BOOM!! It’s all said and done and you’re sure you two just made a baby?? Ok, so if you haven’t had that then please feel free to send me a number of a good shrink. My best friend calls it the primal instinct that we women all seem to have. I think primal is a bit much, but anways, its that biological alarm clock that seems to go off when he goes off.

Well, I must admit, I am a horrible wife. I had all the images come to mind..the cheesy smiley face on the OPK, the nursery images, baby everything and then it was over…only thing is, DH didn’t make it long enough to get to the sperm meets egg part if you catch my drift. In his defense that rarely happens, but you see he hurt his back so the whole baby making experience (not to his knowledge baby making) wasn’t as “effective” as I needed it to be. He was just in too much pain. I admit, I was pretty upset. I rolled over and couldn’t even look at him. How could he not come through when I needed him to? I was actually angry at him. Why did he have to get hurt on the day that I was ovulating? I convinced myself it was some ovulation demon curse and just laid there pouting. He asked if I was upset and I politely responded “No,” but I knew he knew otherwise. He apologized, and I couldn’t help but thinking “wimp, you only had to make it through this one little thing and you couldn’t..what the fuck?” He asked again and I said “babe, it’s not big deal, I mean it sucks that you didn’t and I didn’t either, but its not your fault.” Inside though, I kinda felt different though.

You don’t have to say it, I know, I was in the wrong. How could I blame him for not doing his part of the baby making if he didn’t even know that’s what he was doing. He was hurt, give him a break. All men must go through at least one of those nights, right? I know that’s what my head is telling me, but my bio clock, my primal me, just feels disappointed and like what a waste of a month. I feel horrible that I feel this way, and I know I shouldn’t, but I was soooo excited to see a positive OPK that I felt myself totally revert to Clomid and IUIs all over again. So my question is this: “is creating a baby as much of your biological wiring as it is your emotional wiring?” I know they say that each woman will probably feel the tick every now and then. But have I let my “need” to have a child interfere too much? I feel crazy for acting the way I did, but I almost felt desperate. How do I change it?


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