Tag Archives: TTC

A life’s legacy

Wow, so I guess a lot can happen in just a few short days. Hubby’s grandfather died one week ago today, and it still seems like just yesterday we got the news that he was hospitalized. He went in peace though. He’s finally with the woman that he loved for over 50 years….50 years, can you imagine 50 years?!?! In today’s society where more than half of all marriages end in divorce, this man remained faithful, dedicated and in love with one woman…I can only hope that hubby and I are the same.

I know we will though. Dh’s “abuelito” taught him how to be a man. He taught him how to love a woman, how to play a great game of soccer, and how to remain constant regardless of the curve balls life seems to throw at you. I too learned so much from this man, and have never really understood what it feels like to lose someone of such importance and love. Yes, we lost our baby, and I’ll never forget that day..but losing a man who had done so much for so many, and literally watching his life slip away makes a person analyze what life really means.

Does it mean having the best of everything? Does it mean leaving a huge inheritance behind, or having a title worthy career? Yes, we’ve all heard this before, and to many it probably sounds very cliche. But it only hit home when I had to say good bye to a man that I just realized meant so much to me and our family. It was in that moment that I realized what a good life means.

It means being thankful for the air in your lungs. It means loving the man you promised to love for all eternity the best way that you can. It means making people (not just family and friends) feel loved. Giving more than taking. It means loving what I have and not cursing what I don’t. It means accepting the fate that you have been giving and learning how to make do.

I know that I can’t say that I won’t wish I could have had our own child. And that I won’t curse the fact that I can’t, but I can say that losing him has made me open my eyes to other possibilities. DH and I have begun to talk about taking another path. We just found out that while only a US citizen here, he has duel citizenship in Mexico where he was born. So, in an effort to create a family, and still seem connected to DH’s “home,” we’ve started to talk about Mexican adoption. I never thought I would ever utter those words, and I thought that if I did, it would be with a heavy heart. But by learning from “abuelito,” life is what you make of it, not how life is made.

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Que Será, Será

Still here..I know it’s been light years since the last time I wrote, and I’ve been an absolute horrible blogger and commenter the past few months, but I’ve just been overwhelmed with everything else.

I got to go home for Turkey day. It was a real last minute thing, but I am so thankful I got to be there. Even though it seems like me and my parents never really get past the small talk, it still feels good to be with people who know me for me. In a way, I like that they don’t know about the whole fertility issue. They look at me for me…and not an infertile me..the way that I tend to look at myself. Have you ever looked in the mirror and just seen a blob of infertility. A few times, I’ve looked at my reflection in the mirror and seen nothing but failure and disappointment. But when my family and friends who don’t know our dreaded situation look at me, they see the brunette with blonde tendencies..the girl who loves pink anything. The girl who laughs at nothing, the pain in the ass, sarcastic fun loving clutz that they’ve always known. These days, since the TTC world seems to be far behind me, I’ve been looking at myself the same way. I’ve learned to accept and embrace the fact that whatever will be will be. When I was little my grandpa would sing that song to me; “Que será, será whatever will be will be the future’s not our’s to see que será será.” I used to think that song was the most pointless and annoying songs, but not I’ve tried to use it as my motto. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the pre-infertile, TTC, timed baby making, ovulation and pregnancy pee sticks and just be the girl that my friends and family know me for. Other days, I want people to know my story and know why it may be harder for me to attend a baby shower, or birthday. How about you? Do you feel that by others knowing your TTC journey and hardships it makes it easier to deal with or harder? There were so many awkward silences when I wanted to spill the baby or lack there of news. Then, I would stop, think about the conversation that would entail and wonder what their reactions would be and then caught the words just before they jumped off my tongue. I would love to tell them if I thought it wouldn’t change the way they looked at me. But, I know it would. I know, like so many other conversations, the topic would change from what I was wearing to what I was doing that month to get knocked up. Would they stop and pray for me? Would they think about my feelings when they asked about children? I’m not sure…and for fear of the unknown, I held it in. I know I should communicate my feelings, but that is so much easier said than done. Of coarse that doesn’t apply to this blog, but in every other sense of the word it applies. Because I so desperately want to become a person that I love I started to look at the way that I view myself. I even went to a spriritual advisor who claims to see spirit guides and angels…I’ll save that for another time. She said that my angels want me to learn three things:

1. How to forgive myself

2. How to communicate my feelings and wants to others

3. To find compromise in each situation I am confronted.

Now, I’m not sure if they really told her this, or if she watched an episode of Dr. Phil. Either way, it’s good advice. So, my first goal is to forgive myself. Let myself know that infertility is not my fault. I’ve always thought that it was a twisted way of Karma kicking my ass, but I need to learn to ask for forgiveness and accept it. I’m sure this will take much longer than I had hoped, but I need to try. Once I have those three things in order; according to her, the Universe and God will sort of arrange itself to meet my requests. I just have to open myself up to it. I know I know..it sounds like I’m some free loving, tree hugger, tie dye, weed smoking throw back from the 60’s, but maybe it’s worth a try. It’s like DH said..I’ve tried everything so far, why stop there.

I know I haven’t commented in a long while, but I want you to know that I have tried to keep up with other blogs, and even though I don’t write it..I do have my fingers crossed for all of you.

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What I Cannot Change

I came across this song, and it brought tears to my eyes. It’s everything that I have been thinking, but into much nicer words. I’ve decided to try and let go. To do so, I think I just might have to blare this on my IPOD 24/7, but I need something. Maybe it can help someone else. It’s by LeeAnn Rimes and sounds amazing. If I can find the link to the song, I’ll post it later.

“What I Cannot Change”
I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won’t make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
I don’t know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can’t get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it’s not good for my health
But it’s easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
Right now I can’t care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

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The Secret

We had to watch a movie at work, “The Secret.” Now, I know I have totally stressed the fact that I seem to have some Universal plot against me..but the movie seemed to grab my attention like a cake to a fat kid. It’s not really a “movie” per say, it’s more like a self help on overdrive. It’s full of authors like the Chicken Soup guy, the psychologist from Men are from Mars.. and of course new age philosophers. It’s too in depth to explain, but basically, their theory is that the Universe, God, Karma, whatever you believe in is attracted to the energy that you give off.

Have you ever woke up on time or early, and told yourself I can’t be late this morning. Then, before you know it, you’re rushing out the door and can’t remember if you turned off the iron, gave the dogs water, put the trash put..hell even if you remembered to put panties on. I do it ALL the time. Everyone knows that I am always at least 15 minutes late. They’ve learned to just tell me 7:00 if they want me there by 6:30. Just because I am always late. Well, according to all these new age thinkers, it’s because I attract tardiness. My energy focuses so much on the fact that I don’t want to be late that the Universe picks up on it and puts my plan into action. Even if that’s not what I wanted, that the energy that I’m putting off.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am soooo not into brainwash videos, but this one actually made me think how I think, especially about my fertility. Ever since I was young I had always just known that I would have trouble getting pregnant. I told myself to always say “if” I get pregnant. And when I did got pregnant, all I could visualize was losing the baby and wonder if I would ever get pregnant again. Everything that I visualized did come true..I’m not a psychic, because that would just blow my point, but the point is, my attitude towards fertility has always been bleak. I just wrote how afraid I am of being in the 40% of IVF chances..according to the law of attraction, my attitude is what the universe is focusing on and therefore what I ask of the universe I shal receive. It may seem that I’m not asking to be a part of the 40% but my energy is focused on it.

So, in order for my attitude and energy to send the right signals to the universe there are three basic steps: 1. ASK  2. Believe  3. Receive

As easy as the steps sound, for the me “the fuck the glass full” kinda girl, it will be extremely hard. That’s why I have decided to start a journal. The first thing The Secret suggests is to make a list of all the things that make you feel good, and then thank God, the universe, Karma, Buddha, whatever for them. After that, every time you think about thought that is damaging to your positivity, write it down, then follow it with a positive statement and say it to yourself until you feel good about it. I’m sure it will take more than a spiral notebook to hold on my crazy thoughts, but it’s worth a chance. Here are a few things that I am grateful for…My husband, my M&M pups, my family, friends, Ugg slippers, my job, a home, Apple Jacks, Reeses pieces, funny movies, chick flicks, my car, fleece sheets, the Ipod, the internet, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, popcorn..followed by the Eliptical. and I thank God for each of them. Of course there is more, but those are my top list of things…yes, I am possibly that shallow.

Negative thought: “I don’t want to fail at infertility”   Positive thought: “I will naturally conceive, carry and birth a child created by DH and me.”

Now if you made it to the end of this I know you’re probably thinking a few bad thoughts about me, but “the secret” says to think positive. On that note, I have to get to work, I will make it to work on time, and have a happy, productive day..You will too.

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The joy of Puking

Not much to report here. Had a wicked hangover the day after Halloween, but I was grateful for it. I made me see that I was still alive. I was still able to let myself have fun. It’s going to take more than a while and a few Jello shots to get over the grief, but somehow puking my guts out and laying on the couch with a 7up made me see that we DO have a life after all of this infertility. We still have friends and family that want to be with us for “us.” Sure they may all be pregnant by this time next year, but good for them. I won’t say that it will won’t hurt any less to go to their baby showers and buy their baby cute pink and blue things, but I will try to take pride in the fact that we tried. As of right now, we’re still on the IVF fence for April. That’s the next round of IVF that the military does. It’s kind of like a huge cattle call for the infertile military people throughout the West half of America.

There’s only 2 RE clincs in the states and we got so lucky enough to be living 20 minutes from one. So every quarter they open up and do one huge IVF run. The waiting room is full of wannabe mommy’s and it’s terrifying for me to think that with 60% odds, some of those deserving mommys won’t get that chance. I’m terrified that I’ll be one of those 40%. And for that, I’m just not quite sure I can face that yet. I have to make up my mind soon, soon as in yesterday soon, but I’m having such a hard time with this. I’m hoping that I’ll get some type of divine intervention to lead me one way or another. I guess my angels just haven’t gotten the memo. Or hell, maybe they did, and all this time they’ve been trying to tell me, but I just don’t want to hear it. FUCK, I need someone to just spell it out for me.

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Good thing halloween doesn’t come but once a year!!

Another year has seem to slip by. This time last year I was donning a sexy costume and doing jello shots thinking that I would party hard because within a few months I would be pregnant, and by halloween I would have my own little pumpkin to dress up. We would be celebrating a first halloween. My first halloween pregnant, or the baby’s first year of giggles and pictures. But, that year quickly zoomed by, and it looks like another year of jello shots, and tequila..Lots of tequila. I’ve earned it.

I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and let loose again. I know that I will probably have years of halloween parties and new year’s eve nights to not remember, but I’m learning that may not be as bad as I had envisioned. Throughout this journey I kept my friends informed, but never let them know just how hurt all of the baby making was. But in the end, I finally caved and spilled the beans, and even though they didn’t seem to understand the whole thing, I know they were making an effort to. Ever since we’ve moved so far from home my friends have been the closest thing to family that I’ve had. They’ve given prayers and encouragement and tequila when things just didn’t go accordingly to plan. They have been great, and I can’t forget that. Just because things haven’t gone my way, doesn’t mean that nothing has worked out. I’ve made friends that I know I will keep for life. They’ve held my hair after I puked my brains out once I learned that nothing would fix the baby maker, and they’ve laughed at all my little antics and sarcasm about infertility. So I owe it to them, and me and DH to have fun with them. Enjoy the time that we do have together before the military splits us all up and sends us all over the world. This year, I will not party like it’s my last halloween as a mommy in waiting, this year I will party as the woman who has earned to laugh and smile with the “family” that has gotten me through the roller coaster of disappointment and heartache. So if you’re watching the news and you happen to hear about some whacked out crazy ass roaming the streets, that may just be the crazy ass infertile lady finally letting loose.

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Finding the ground..Finally!!

Ok, so after reading that last post I can SOOO say that was the worst pitty party I’ve ever given myself. But, I’m glad I did it. After reading it I felt closure. Yes, I’m still angry as hell about the whole thing, but I know that life must go on. I can’t live in infertility hell the rest of my life…even though it seems like we’ve been there for 48 months already, but who’s counting. I have a ton of meds left over, accept for the Clomid, I could probably do one more round..Not monitored of course. I have 5 vials of Bravelle and some Estrace pills. I’ve been thinking about it. I was doing some reading though and it’s advised that Estradiol pills be taken with progestins to help prevent uterine cancer that Estrace is said to cause. Cancer?!? Really?? Shit that doesn’t too much of orange juice cause some type of cancer? I think it would be harmless to use it once and just say that I tried. Not that I know more than the REs…wait, they don’t know shit about my infertility either. I might as well.

So I had the talk with DH and I told him that I wanted him to be happy. I had hoped it would have been with me, but I know that I would be selfish to not at least throw the idea out there. He smiled and laughed and said that he married me for me, and took my bum ovaries and dried up uterus as a packaged deal. I told him that I wanted to conceive a baby out of love, and I wanted our baby to know that. He laughed some more and said he wanted to conceive a baby out of cost effectiveness, and if we did IVF he would make sure that our lil one would be a professional athelete so that he can pay us back for the cost of his creation. Sick humor, I’m sure, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Last night I went out with friends for really cheap and really good Martinis and just laid it all out there. It was the first time that I had told her much more of the story than she knew and asked for her blunt honesty. She was honest, it hurt for a minute, but I needed that too. She told me to blow IVF off til August and just get to know DH for who he is. She pointed out that we started TTC 6 months after we got married…and we got married so young. Now’s the time to know him for him, she said. I’m sure he would make a great father someday, but give him the chance to be a great husband to you first. Don’t make a marriage about babies, otherwise, you’ve lost your marriage and gone scientific. In most ways she’s right. I have to learn to look at DH as my DH and not just the father of my unborn children. He deserves better than that, and so do I. So, from now on, I want to work on trying to let him know that I love him for him, and not for his great sperm count…which is wonderful I might add. 🙂 I need to let go of this control and stop letting infertility control me. I’ve said that time and time again, but now that we are at the end of the line, I know that I have to be serious this time. I’m going to have to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds.

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