Not too much to report, still here, still living a crazy life and still not preggers. If all goes according to schedule, I should ovulate on Friday or Saturday. Although I’ve already kinda just thrown in the towel on the whole baby making business already. Yes, I can try, but sometimes I wonder if I’m trying for all the wrong reasons. Before the whole “I’m sorry, it seems as though you have a busted ute and piss poor ovaries” routine, the hubby and I were trying to have a baby because we loved each other and wanted to share that with our child (yes, you can say it CHEEESY). Now, it’s like yes we still want a cute and perfectly healthy baby with his eyelashes and my lips..But I feel like now we’re also trying to prove “yes, we can make babies.” I feel like we’re desperately trying to conceive on our own as to try and avoid all the IVF expenses. Baby making has now become more than that. So how do I go back to where we started. How to create that false hope of getting knocked up in 3 months or less? How do I take back all those times I didn’t even wanna “do it,” with the hubby but did it for scientific reasons? I so badly want to believe that I can go back to the old us, but has infertility changed us for good? Am I crazy for sounding so dramatic? Do you think it’s Oscar worthy? Which by the way, I can say I was pretty happy with. Slumdog Millionaire really deserved it. Well, that’s a seperate post I suppose.
Tag Archives: Ovulation
Yeah for the smiley face, boo on not enough baby making. So the smiley face finally showed its chipper self on my OPK and I can’t tell you the reaction that I had. I looked at it, jumped up and down and screamed on the inside. YES, I’m making eggs! My ovaries are the shit!!! This was the first time in a while that I’ve used an OPK, and the first time that I went into a full baby making mode since the last IUI. And, to top it off, I kinda added some unprescribed estradiol. I had it from my last IUI since my endometrium only measured 6mm. Actually, every time it was measured I never reached over a 6 so I decided to self diagnose myself as having skinny uterine lining. Plus, I had some extra Metformin so I though “what the hell,” the worst has already passed. It can’t get much worse. I only have up to go.
I decided not to tell the hubby because I didn’t want him to feel the burden on BDing. Ever since we’ve stopped baby making, the s-e-x has been much better. Which leads me to my next obstacle that I had to concur, so if you tend to blush I would say that this is now the time to exit.
Have you ever gotten to the point where you’re in the midst of BDing, you’re so excited thinking this will be the time. A flood of baby images, the sperm and egg scene from “Look Who’s Talking,” comes to mind, its just that moment that you feel hopeful, excited and then BOOM!! It’s all said and done and you’re sure you two just made a baby?? Ok, so if you haven’t had that then please feel free to send me a number of a good shrink. My best friend calls it the primal instinct that we women all seem to have. I think primal is a bit much, but anways, its that biological alarm clock that seems to go off when he goes off.
Well, I must admit, I am a horrible wife. I had all the images come to mind..the cheesy smiley face on the OPK, the nursery images, baby everything and then it was over…only thing is, DH didn’t make it long enough to get to the sperm meets egg part if you catch my drift. In his defense that rarely happens, but you see he hurt his back so the whole baby making experience (not to his knowledge baby making) wasn’t as “effective” as I needed it to be. He was just in too much pain. I admit, I was pretty upset. I rolled over and couldn’t even look at him. How could he not come through when I needed him to? I was actually angry at him. Why did he have to get hurt on the day that I was ovulating? I convinced myself it was some ovulation demon curse and just laid there pouting. He asked if I was upset and I politely responded “No,” but I knew he knew otherwise. He apologized, and I couldn’t help but thinking “wimp, you only had to make it through this one little thing and you couldn’t..what the fuck?” He asked again and I said “babe, it’s not big deal, I mean it sucks that you didn’t and I didn’t either, but its not your fault.” Inside though, I kinda felt different though.
You don’t have to say it, I know, I was in the wrong. How could I blame him for not doing his part of the baby making if he didn’t even know that’s what he was doing. He was hurt, give him a break. All men must go through at least one of those nights, right? I know that’s what my head is telling me, but my bio clock, my primal me, just feels disappointed and like what a waste of a month. I feel horrible that I feel this way, and I know I shouldn’t, but I was soooo excited to see a positive OPK that I felt myself totally revert to Clomid and IUIs all over again. So my question is this: “is creating a baby as much of your biological wiring as it is your emotional wiring?” I know they say that each woman will probably feel the tick every now and then. But have I let my “need” to have a child interfere too much? I feel crazy for acting the way I did, but I almost felt desperate. How do I change it?
Follies of course. But hey, this optimistic thing is really working for me, so I think for now, I will just be happy with the thought that we actually have a REAL shot at twins.
Just got back from the Dr.’s and if it weren’t for the AMAZING news that my body works, I would probably be pissed as hell. I got there, waited, waited, had my blood work then waited some more. Two hours later, still waiting. WTF!!! I know they’re busy, but really that busy?? I finally found someone to ask, and she tells me that they were finished with morning scans. What, lady, I am on some pretty strong hormones, and a response like this could actually warrant a complete breakdown leading to me attending anger management classes. After another 15 minutes she comes back and says that I was a “no call, no show” for my appt. on Tue. WTF. Sorry, no, the other Doc that was here said that they would see me a week from today, meaning this Friday. But, snobbish upset tech, a three hour ordeal and sleep deprived Dr. aside, the visit went great.
I got all of my tests back from this visit and the last and happy to report that all levels including Endo, androgen and thyroid tests are all “b.e.autiful,” says McSteamy. As he did the u/s he noticed that my right ovary had failed to produce anything except one a little over 13. Sorry but this lazy bitch needs to wake up and contribute. My left had two juicy follies. Both over 17, which according to blue eyes McSteamy is exactly where they need them to be at CD11. The IUI is scheduled for Monday, my HcG is tomorrow, and instead of the usual ten days of injections they usually Rx, he said that he feels confident that I only need tonight’s injection and that I can scrap the other doses.
Oh body don’t fail me now. Funny thing though, I actually am really optimistic. I just have to keep reminding myself of my “No Vacancy” sign and keep my focus on my baby. I can’t have any room for doubts, and this time around, I won’t. In fact, I have actually been so positive I’ve even been thinking of when I would get my BFP. I did the math, and it works perfect. DH’s entire family is coming to town and the plan is to have the whole family at the beach for a week. Which means, we would be able to tell his whole family our good news. This has to work. I can’t think of a better scenario for us or them. Ok Mr. Olsteen, my sign is clearly posted, my uterus is in shape and my follies are on their way. Don’t disappoint me.
Well the weekend was actually pretty uneventful. DH worked from 5AM Fri. to 9AM Sat. so needless to say he slept all day on Sat. I got a lot of major cleaning done for the birthday bash. I bought this stuff from a door salesman called Xtreme Kleen after he showed me a way cool demonstration. I love it!!! A little way too much for my DH’s wallet, but hey he was sleeping, and I am a little OCD when it comes to cleaning house. So anything that can keep fingerprints off my glass, doggie nose smudges from my patio, clean the nasty grill and still disinfect my kitchen sold me. Coolest thing, it’s completely non-toxic..he even drank it out of the bottle that I bought. Gross, I know, but hey I gotta give it to the man, he knew how to sell the hell out of this stuff. I love to clean, when I’m in the mood, and for some reason I was in the mood this weekend. Which is funny because my DH says that every time it comes closer to O day I suddenly want my house spic and span. I haven’t noticed, I just thought that my house was officially birthday ready. YAY!!!
We babysat yesterday for our friends who have a 4 month old little girl. She is the sweetest thing ever, I couldn’t help but fall in love with her. Weird though, I actually found myself a little teary eyed when I realized that the room I had laid her down was supposed to be the nursery for our lil one that was due in February. Sappy, I know, and really, I thought I was actually over the whole thing, I guess I just had a moment…especially when I stopped to remember that this would not be the month for us either. It was the first time that I was actually more upset about the whole thing than happy. It was a moment though and as my O day approaches (wink wink) I can’t help but want to break down and just buy an OPK..just to see if I can O without the Clomid..Right?? 😮 Especially after yesterday, I can feel my ovaries reminding me what time of the month I’m approaching.