What I Cannot Change

I came across this song, and it brought tears to my eyes. It’s everything that I have been thinking, but into much nicer words. I’ve decided to try and let go. To do so, I think I just might have to blare this on my IPOD 24/7, but I need something. Maybe it can help someone else. It’s by LeeAnn Rimes and sounds amazing. If I can find the link to the song, I’ll post it later.

“What I Cannot Change”
I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won’t make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
I don’t know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can’t get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it’s not good for my health
But it’s easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can
Right now I can’t care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

The Secret

We had to watch a movie at work, “The Secret.” Now, I know I have totally stressed the fact that I seem to have some Universal plot against me..but the movie seemed to grab my attention like a cake to a fat kid. It’s not really a “movie” per say, it’s more like a self help on overdrive. It’s full of authors like the Chicken Soup guy, the psychologist from Men are from Mars.. and of course new age philosophers. It’s too in depth to explain, but basically, their theory is that the Universe, God, Karma, whatever you believe in is attracted to the energy that you give off.

Have you ever woke up on time or early, and told yourself I can’t be late this morning. Then, before you know it, you’re rushing out the door and can’t remember if you turned off the iron, gave the dogs water, put the trash put..hell even if you remembered to put panties on. I do it ALL the time. Everyone knows that I am always at least 15 minutes late. They’ve learned to just tell me 7:00 if they want me there by 6:30. Just because I am always late. Well, according to all these new age thinkers, it’s because I attract tardiness. My energy focuses so much on the fact that I don’t want to be late that the Universe picks up on it and puts my plan into action. Even if that’s not what I wanted, that the energy that I’m putting off.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am soooo not into brainwash videos, but this one actually made me think how I think, especially about my fertility. Ever since I was young I had always just known that I would have trouble getting pregnant. I told myself to always say “if” I get pregnant. And when I did got pregnant, all I could visualize was losing the baby and wonder if I would ever get pregnant again. Everything that I visualized did come true..I’m not a psychic, because that would just blow my point, but the point is, my attitude towards fertility has always been bleak. I just wrote how afraid I am of being in the 40% of IVF chances..according to the law of attraction, my attitude is what the universe is focusing on and therefore what I ask of the universe I shal receive. It may seem that I’m not asking to be a part of the 40% but my energy is focused on it.

So, in order for my attitude and energy to send the right signals to the universe there are three basic steps: 1. ASK  2. Believe  3. Receive

As easy as the steps sound, for the me “the fuck the glass full” kinda girl, it will be extremely hard. That’s why I have decided to start a journal. The first thing The Secret suggests is to make a list of all the things that make you feel good, and then thank God, the universe, Karma, Buddha, whatever for them. After that, every time you think about thought that is damaging to your positivity, write it down, then follow it with a positive statement and say it to yourself until you feel good about it. I’m sure it will take more than a spiral notebook to hold on my crazy thoughts, but it’s worth a chance. Here are a few things that I am grateful for…My husband, my M&M pups, my family, friends, Ugg slippers, my job, a home, Apple Jacks, Reeses pieces, funny movies, chick flicks, my car, fleece sheets, the Ipod, the internet, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, popcorn..followed by the Eliptical. and I thank God for each of them. Of course there is more, but those are my top list of things…yes, I am possibly that shallow.

Negative thought: “I don’t want to fail at infertility”   Positive thought: “I will naturally conceive, carry and birth a child created by DH and me.”

Now if you made it to the end of this I know you’re probably thinking a few bad thoughts about me, but “the secret” says to think positive. On that note, I have to get to work, I will make it to work on time, and have a happy, productive day..You will too.

4 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

The joy of Puking

Not much to report here. Had a wicked hangover the day after Halloween, but I was grateful for it. I made me see that I was still alive. I was still able to let myself have fun. It’s going to take more than a while and a few Jello shots to get over the grief, but somehow puking my guts out and laying on the couch with a 7up made me see that we DO have a life after all of this infertility. We still have friends and family that want to be with us for “us.” Sure they may all be pregnant by this time next year, but good for them. I won’t say that it will won’t hurt any less to go to their baby showers and buy their baby cute pink and blue things, but I will try to take pride in the fact that we tried. As of right now, we’re still on the IVF fence for April. That’s the next round of IVF that the military does. It’s kind of like a huge cattle call for the infertile military people throughout the West half of America.

There’s only 2 RE clincs in the states and we got so lucky enough to be living 20 minutes from one. So every quarter they open up and do one huge IVF run. The waiting room is full of wannabe mommy’s and it’s terrifying for me to think that with 60% odds, some of those deserving mommys won’t get that chance. I’m terrified that I’ll be one of those 40%. And for that, I’m just not quite sure I can face that yet. I have to make up my mind soon, soon as in yesterday soon, but I’m having such a hard time with this. I’m hoping that I’ll get some type of divine intervention to lead me one way or another. I guess my angels just haven’t gotten the memo. Or hell, maybe they did, and all this time they’ve been trying to tell me, but I just don’t want to hear it. FUCK, I need someone to just spell it out for me.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Good thing halloween doesn’t come but once a year!!

Another year has seem to slip by. This time last year I was donning a sexy costume and doing jello shots thinking that I would party hard because within a few months I would be pregnant, and by halloween I would have my own little pumpkin to dress up. We would be celebrating a first halloween. My first halloween pregnant, or the baby’s first year of giggles and pictures. But, that year quickly zoomed by, and it looks like another year of jello shots, and tequila..Lots of tequila. I’ve earned it.

I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and let loose again. I know that I will probably have years of halloween parties and new year’s eve nights to not remember, but I’m learning that may not be as bad as I had envisioned. Throughout this journey I kept my friends informed, but never let them know just how hurt all of the baby making was. But in the end, I finally caved and spilled the beans, and even though they didn’t seem to understand the whole thing, I know they were making an effort to. Ever since we’ve moved so far from home my friends have been the closest thing to family that I’ve had. They’ve given prayers and encouragement and tequila when things just didn’t go accordingly to plan. They have been great, and I can’t forget that. Just because things haven’t gone my way, doesn’t mean that nothing has worked out. I’ve made friends that I know I will keep for life. They’ve held my hair after I puked my brains out once I learned that nothing would fix the baby maker, and they’ve laughed at all my little antics and sarcasm about infertility. So I owe it to them, and me and DH to have fun with them. Enjoy the time that we do have together before the military splits us all up and sends us all over the world. This year, I will not party like it’s my last halloween as a mommy in waiting, this year I will party as the woman who has earned to laugh and smile with the “family” that has gotten me through the roller coaster of disappointment and heartache. So if you’re watching the news and you happen to hear about some whacked out crazy ass roaming the streets, that may just be the crazy ass infertile lady finally letting loose.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Finding the ground..Finally!!

Ok, so after reading that last post I can SOOO say that was the worst pitty party I’ve ever given myself. But, I’m glad I did it. After reading it I felt closure. Yes, I’m still angry as hell about the whole thing, but I know that life must go on. I can’t live in infertility hell the rest of my life…even though it seems like we’ve been there for 48 months already, but who’s counting. I have a ton of meds left over, accept for the Clomid, I could probably do one more round..Not monitored of course. I have 5 vials of Bravelle and some Estrace pills. I’ve been thinking about it. I was doing some reading though and it’s advised that Estradiol pills be taken with progestins to help prevent uterine cancer that Estrace is said to cause. Cancer?!? Really?? Shit that doesn’t too much of orange juice cause some type of cancer? I think it would be harmless to use it once and just say that I tried. Not that I know more than the REs…wait, they don’t know shit about my infertility either. I might as well.

So I had the talk with DH and I told him that I wanted him to be happy. I had hoped it would have been with me, but I know that I would be selfish to not at least throw the idea out there. He smiled and laughed and said that he married me for me, and took my bum ovaries and dried up uterus as a packaged deal. I told him that I wanted to conceive a baby out of love, and I wanted our baby to know that. He laughed some more and said he wanted to conceive a baby out of cost effectiveness, and if we did IVF he would make sure that our lil one would be a professional athelete so that he can pay us back for the cost of his creation. Sick humor, I’m sure, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Last night I went out with friends for really cheap and really good Martinis and just laid it all out there. It was the first time that I had told her much more of the story than she knew and asked for her blunt honesty. She was honest, it hurt for a minute, but I needed that too. She told me to blow IVF off til August and just get to know DH for who he is. She pointed out that we started TTC 6 months after we got married…and we got married so young. Now’s the time to know him for him, she said. I’m sure he would make a great father someday, but give him the chance to be a great husband to you first. Don’t make a marriage about babies, otherwise, you’ve lost your marriage and gone scientific. In most ways she’s right. I have to learn to look at DH as my DH and not just the father of my unborn children. He deserves better than that, and so do I. So, from now on, I want to work on trying to let him know that I love him for him, and not for his great sperm count…which is wonderful I might add. 🙂 I need to let go of this control and stop letting infertility control me. I’ve said that time and time again, but now that we are at the end of the line, I know that I have to be serious this time. I’m going to have to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Going..Going..GONE

Well we went for the “go big or go home” motto and it looks like I’ll be going home. AF is just around the corner and as usual, I think I will just do my best to make her happy so she doesn’t stay long. I think this will be good for me to have some type of closure to all  of this. I was hoping with everything that I had that I could have perhaps come out on the other side, but you know, you win some you lose some.

I always tend to be on the losing side, but I guess now it’s time for me to start getting used to my surrounding on this side. I haven’t let myself cry yet, and really, I haven’t even felt the need to. I’m broken, beat up and disappointed, but I’m still breathing. Fighting for every moment so that I don’t just lose it on some poor unexpecting person, but breathing. I got into Yoga for a while, and I really enjoyed it. I think I’m just going to have to change the direction of my life. For four years, the only path that I was on was the baby one. Anything and everything that lead to baby. But I’m afraid there won’t ever be a road that has baby plans in store for me and that rocks me to the core. If I wasn’t meant to be a mother, then what am I supposed to be? I’ve tried to be a good wife, daughter and friend, but for me that just isn’t enough. I’m not sure that I won’t ever feel complete, and if that’s how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life, is it fair to keep my poor hubby holding on for me. I’m happy with him, but what if in another four years I just can’t accept not having our children?? Hell, what if in four years, he can’t be with me because he can’t accept not having children? Could I even blame him if he did want to leave?..No, I don’t think I would. How could I hate him or even ask him to stay if I know he deserves to live happily ever after. With me or without me.

Everyone deserves to be happy in life. Yet, I’m not sure what I did to piss Karma off so badly that I can’t seem to find my happiness. I would let him off the hook and let him find his. You know that part in “Fools Rush In,” with Salma Hayek where she tells her grandmother that she left him because she couldn’t handle him leaving her?? I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve acutally had those thoughts. He’s such a wonderful man, and I love him more than anything, and because of that, I would let him go.

I can’t even describe the kind of hurt I feel, and as you can tell, I’m just kind of rambling on and on and throwing myself a VIP pitty party. If there’s anyone out there who is throwing their own, feel free to drop by for some humble pie and a stiff drink. I’ll be here even if to just offer a kind word or two.

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Our last Hoorah

I had my CD11 check up today. Let me just begin with an “F YOU UTERUS!!” My ovaries and follies..lots of follies looked b.e.autiful, but then my skinny uterus popped up and rocked my world. McHottie measured the good for nothin thing and it hadn’t grown a bit…not even 1 fuckin mm!!! Last week it was at 5, this week, no change. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! Please forgive the F bombs that will be used a lot in this post, I just can’t seem to get my head around what’s wrong with my busted baby factory. I know that I told myself I wouldn’t be hopeful, and really, I’m not. Its just that just when I think I’m ready to move on from all of this, another unanswered symptom arises. McHottie gave me some Estrace and told me to take it for the next two nights, continue with the Bravelle for another TWO nights, trigger on Sat. then IUI on Monday. Sounds great in theory, the only problem is, I’m not sure how my little egg factories are going to like two more nights of Bravelle. Usually, we just do four nights of injections, this month we’re doing five. Oh, and did I mention I have 4 portly follies just on the Right side?!?!? The left has multiples right around 10, but they don’t count.

McHottie asked if we wanted to roll the dice with 4. He said that it would be risky, and his words, “quite frankly, disastrous.” I asked what else he thought, he smiled and just said that I should go for it. I have to be watched, but why not? My words exactly. Sure, “I’ll do it, I mean nothings worked so far, might as well give it all we got for my last hoorah. “GO BIG OR GO HOME” as my DH likes to say. We’re going for it. We’re not hopeful, or even worried about multiples, considering we don’t have much hope lying on this, but we need to make sure we go BIG!! Wish us luck!!

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized