I’ve been holding off to write this since I’m not sure what to say. Well, here I am..I’m 23 and DH and I have been TTC for over 2 years. Young I know, I hear it all the time, but something inside me knew that this was going to be a long road. Well, it has been. It’s been full of tears, confusion and loss, but I’m learning to cope. I’ve been a blog reader for a while, just never had the courage to write how I felt until recently. DH and I have tried everything from standing on my head to Clomid to IUI’s to try to get pregnant, and for some unknown reason I just can’t get pregnant. All labs, and tests, SA’s and hormone tests are perfect. Therefore, we fall into the unexplained category of infertility. The worse place to be in if you ask me. I can’t blame anything, ask any questions, or even try to fix anything that’s obviously not broken.
We were lucky enough to get pregnant last year in May, but unfortunately we lost our little “binx” as we called him/her at 7 weeks. “IT” and “thing” and “fetus” all seemed too alien for me so I had to give “it” a name. I never knew loss could hurt that bad until I finally opened myself to the emotion. The day we found out I was so stoic and calm my DH wondered if I even wanted our baby. Of coarse I did, but life in the infertility world had made me so turned off to everything that I couldn’t even understand how I felt. A few days later after everything I finally hit a wall and just fell to pieces. I knew I should have blogged then to let out how I was feeling, but still a barrier created by me to somehow protect me just wouldn’t let me.
Well, time has passed and although I still think quite often of Binx, I know that I have to keep my face forward and focus on our infertility treatments now. Maybe I’ll get that chance I’ve been dreaming of for so many years to finally meet our lil binx.
Although infertile couples usually get so absorbed in their identity as “infertile” I have still somewhat managed to maintain my individuality. I’m a mommy to two fur babies, or dogs as every other person knows them. My DH (25) is amazing. He is definitely my “yang” to my “yin.” We balance each other so perfectly, I can’t imagine who I would be without him. His support and compassion is the main reason I continue on this roller coaster of infertility. I try to be as active as I can whenever I have the time. I’m in my last year of school for my bachelor’s in education…If I can’t have kids I might as well teach ’em right? My family, although oblivious to our TTC troubles is my greatest joy besides my M&M’s (Molly and Max my pups) and my DH. Well, I guess that is the long version of me from start to finish. “Nice to meet you!!”