OMG, so I haven’t written in like a month!! GTFO, I can’t believe that crap! It’s been a crazy past month. But the last few days have been the worst. hubby broke his hand playing softball on the Friday the 13, then I went in for “mild appendicitus” on the 15th..Does anyone else wanna argue that I’m not jinxed? Yes, that would be my luck. It’s been a rough few weeks, and although it seems to have flown by, I’m in the one of those baby funks that seem to grab me by my balls (if I had any) and causes me to curse out loud at this busted ute of mine. It’s been a whole year this month actually that I’ve been posting rants and raves, used far too many F* bombs, cursed the B-I-T-C-H of a nurse, had sweet fantasies of my Dr. McDreamy finally getting me up the shoot. (With my hubby’s high quality sperm that is). I’ve written about confusion, hope, “the secret,” and a ton about poor poor pathetic unexplained infertile me. Man, I must suck as a blogger. But on the up side, :0 I have been able to hear about all of you fantastic ladies who have become mommies or prego mommies, and I’m sending you all the congrats that I have. I’ve also formed great connections to those of us who still remain waiting. My heart aches for each of you and although it saddens me, I can feel and understand exactly how you’re feeling. And to be quite honest, I’m not quite sure what to say. Except to keep your hope alive. Try to sane in such a baby crazed world. Smile when you see a friend’s newborn, take a deep breath and believe it when you tell yourself “someday.” It’s hard not think “why not me,” and believe me when I say, I’ve actually thrown tantrums over those ridiculous words.
I could go on forever about the things that I’ve learned, gained and OBVIOUSLY not gained over the past year, but that would take longer than a year to describe. I’ve seen people grieve over their lost baby, watched people celebrate their little one’s first birthday, listened to friends talk about conceiving as if it were a hobby, sat in stirrups like a trained professional, became friends with a dildo cam, experiened Clomid induced mania, had hot flashes like a 60 year old menopausal maniac, had major blow out fights with the man that I love, learned that I loved him more than I knew, peed on a million OPKs and HPT, learned what the hell those letters stood for in blogger world, saw follicles grow, had more sex than some porn stars out there…with one man of coarse. Prayed til my head and heart hurt, cried til my eyes couldn’t cry anymore, had happy baby thoughts, had angry fuck the world thoughts, watched a life slip away, cried some more then finally found a little clarity. Reading all of your blogs, and having such kind and thoughful comments you bloggers have left have really helped me feel like I’m not alone. I may rant and rave and cry and curse, but this has become the one spot where I can be me and dwell on any feelings I might be having without guilt or regret. I’ve been able to look back over the year and see how I have or haven’t grown and thought about the things I could improve on..and for that I am truly grateful. Yet, until the day comes when I have either finally found acceptance of my infertility or until the day I deliver my sweet baby, I will continue to write for me, provide supports to others and share in their happiness as if it were me.