Finding the ground..Finally!!

Ok, so after reading that last post I can SOOO say that was the worst pitty party I’ve ever given myself. But, I’m glad I did it. After reading it I felt closure. Yes, I’m still angry as hell about the whole thing, but I know that life must go on. I can’t live in infertility hell the rest of my life…even though it seems like we’ve been there for 48 months already, but who’s counting. I have a ton of meds left over, accept for the Clomid, I could probably do one more round..Not monitored of course. I have 5 vials of Bravelle and some Estrace pills. I’ve been thinking about it. I was doing some reading though and it’s advised that Estradiol pills be taken with progestins to help prevent uterine cancer that Estrace is said to cause. Cancer?!? Really?? Shit that doesn’t too much of orange juice cause some type of cancer? I think it would be harmless to use it once and just say that I tried. Not that I know more than the REs…wait, they don’t know shit about my infertility either. I might as well.

So I had the talk with DH and I told him that I wanted him to be happy. I had hoped it would have been with me, but I know that I would be selfish to not at least throw the idea out there. He smiled and laughed and said that he married me for me, and took my bum ovaries and dried up uterus as a packaged deal. I told him that I wanted to conceive a baby out of love, and I wanted our baby to know that. He laughed some more and said he wanted to conceive a baby out of cost effectiveness, and if we did IVF he would make sure that our lil one would be a professional athelete so that he can pay us back for the cost of his creation. Sick humor, I’m sure, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Last night I went out with friends for really cheap and really good Martinis and just laid it all out there. It was the first time that I had told her much more of the story than she knew and asked for her blunt honesty. She was honest, it hurt for a minute, but I needed that too. She told me to blow IVF off til August and just get to know DH for who he is. She pointed out that we started TTC 6 months after we got married…and we got married so young. Now’s the time to know him for him, she said. I’m sure he would make a great father someday, but give him the chance to be a great husband to you first. Don’t make a marriage about babies, otherwise, you’ve lost your marriage and gone scientific. In most ways she’s right. I have to learn to look at DH as my DH and not just the father of my unborn children. He deserves better than that, and so do I. So, from now on, I want to work on trying to let him know that I love him for him, and not for his great sperm count…which is wonderful I might add. 🙂 I need to let go of this control and stop letting infertility control me. I’ve said that time and time again, but now that we are at the end of the line, I know that I have to be serious this time. I’m going to have to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds.

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