Well we went for the “go big or go home” motto and it looks like I’ll be going home. AF is just around the corner and as usual, I think I will just do my best to make her happy so she doesn’t stay long. I think this will be good for me to have some type of closure to all of this. I was hoping with everything that I had that I could have perhaps come out on the other side, but you know, you win some you lose some.
I always tend to be on the losing side, but I guess now it’s time for me to start getting used to my surrounding on this side. I haven’t let myself cry yet, and really, I haven’t even felt the need to. I’m broken, beat up and disappointed, but I’m still breathing. Fighting for every moment so that I don’t just lose it on some poor unexpecting person, but breathing. I got into Yoga for a while, and I really enjoyed it. I think I’m just going to have to change the direction of my life. For four years, the only path that I was on was the baby one. Anything and everything that lead to baby. But I’m afraid there won’t ever be a road that has baby plans in store for me and that rocks me to the core. If I wasn’t meant to be a mother, then what am I supposed to be? I’ve tried to be a good wife, daughter and friend, but for me that just isn’t enough. I’m not sure that I won’t ever feel complete, and if that’s how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life, is it fair to keep my poor hubby holding on for me. I’m happy with him, but what if in another four years I just can’t accept not having our children?? Hell, what if in four years, he can’t be with me because he can’t accept not having children? Could I even blame him if he did want to leave?..No, I don’t think I would. How could I hate him or even ask him to stay if I know he deserves to live happily ever after. With me or without me.
Everyone deserves to be happy in life. Yet, I’m not sure what I did to piss Karma off so badly that I can’t seem to find my happiness. I would let him off the hook and let him find his. You know that part in “Fools Rush In,” with Salma Hayek where she tells her grandmother that she left him because she couldn’t handle him leaving her?? I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve acutally had those thoughts. He’s such a wonderful man, and I love him more than anything, and because of that, I would let him go.
I can’t even describe the kind of hurt I feel, and as you can tell, I’m just kind of rambling on and on and throwing myself a VIP pitty party. If there’s anyone out there who is throwing their own, feel free to drop by for some humble pie and a stiff drink. I’ll be here even if to just offer a kind word or two.