To be sung to the appropriate tune.
We had our last CD4 appointment yesterday, and to tell you the truth I couldn’t even tell you how I feel right now. One minute I feel almost relieved that this has all come to an end. Although its not the fairytale I had imagined, I think right now, I just need some type of closure to this, good or bad. Of coarse I would be a liar if I said that I wasn’t hurt as hell about the outcome, but then again, I’m trying to see the bigger picture…and the other purposes I might have in life..Then the “wannabe mommy” kicks in and I can literally feel my heart ache. I didn’t even think that could actually happen, but unfortunately its happened one too many times to me by now. Then, another second later, I tell myself that maybe we’re not as ready (financially, emotionally etc) as we had originally thought and then I thank my lucky stars that God might just know a little more than I do. Do you see the never ending circle I’m walking? It’s like this sick wheel of fortune where I get rich and bankrupt in a matter of spins. Horrible analogy I know, but that’s what it feels like. I just never know what I’m gonna get and I just never know how I’m going to handle it until “it” whatever that may be happens.
Enough about my own personal and emotional game show, on to the literal. As I laid down and took it one more time from the dildo cam, McSteamy asked me why I wasn’t pregnant yet, and all I could manage to politely get out was “you tell me.” I laughed. He said that this “HAS TO WORK THIS TIME.” No shit asshole, I think I’ve been saying that since I threw out the condoms eons ago!! But just before I lost it, I just smiled and said that this was for all the marbles. Once he had counted follies, and my thin as usual lining he asked why this was for all the marbles. I told him that this would be the last time we did an IUI before we moved to IVF; which is when I added that I had to postpone the Jan. IVF due to a new job. He didn’t say much after that, and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, either way, its really not up to him anymore. We tried it his way, and so far all I’ve got is a couple of monthly visits from AF, mood swings, hot flashes, timed sex, some pre-seed lube and a partridge in a pear tree. So its not really his choice anymore. He counted 8 follies less than 10 on the Left and 11 on the Right and RX’ed me the usual..Clomid CD4-8 and Bravelle CD8-13. I asked if there was anything else I could for my skinny uterus since it never gets any thicker than a 7 and he said as long as it was over 6 I should be ok…Uhmm, that hasn’t worked. What else you got?
I left the office with a weird sense of routine disappointment and for once a feeling of “I just don’t care anymore.” As I walked out I noticed the same sweet lady that had so politely smiled at me and asked how many IUI’s I had been through. She’s the one I blogged about. I overheard her talking that she was there for an OB not RE visit, and she was glowing. She looked at me as if she recognized at me, smiled and said good luck. I smiled back and in side wanted to hug her. She deserved her happy ending. I was genuinely happy for her, and couldn’t help but tell myself “good for her. she fought the fight, and WON!!”
I’m not quite sure if I’ll ever get my own victory lap, but my congrats to those who have run or is running theirs, and my heart to those who are still in the starting blocks.