Living in the present sucks!!!

Well I only have two days left here at my old job. Then by Tuesday, I will be Community Event Coordinator to the Dean of Admissions for the School of Medicine here at the university. I know lengthy title, but all it really means is that I am the one who manages all events and conferences for the school. It is BY NO MEANS what I thought I would be doing, and my heart is still into teaching, but I can’t sign a teaching contract for 3+ years here since we only have two years left here. After that we should be PCS’ing again. So for now, I just have to sit on that bench too.

I must admit, I am crawling out of my skin with nerves. In all actuality, I don’t even know if I want to do this job. Its so far off from my career field and what I know, I don’t even know how I landed the job. I’ve been told by countless people what an opportunity this is, but really I see it as another step back for me.

Since the new job starts when AF does, our last IUI had to take a back seat til October. Then, since I won’t have the vacation time in January, the IVF got put back even longer. I wanted to go back to school to maybe work on a double major, but that can’t happen. All in all, I feel like I may be dooming this job before I’ve even tried it. But right now, I just feel like I’ve been on the losing end of every stick so far, and I was really hoping to have made a good change.

I was excited at first when they offered the position, now I just feel like a ball of emotions. I don’t want to leave the adoption world. I love what I do. I love helping families just like me and DH finally realize their dreams of a family. I love knowing that I had a part in giving a better life to a child that deserves it. Now, I just feel like I’m just part of Corporate America. And let’s face it, while that is a great option for many others. That’s not me.

I majored in childhood education and social services because I wanted to be able to make a difference. I wanted to help children and be a part of their lives, even if I couldn’t have my own. I like feeling as if it’s ok to have a heart..And in this job, it just seems that there isn’t any room for emotions. And that scares me.

DH, who is in the medical field thought it would be a great opportunity for me and us. Its more pay than a teacher or my last job. He says that it would be less emotionally taxing, and it would give us a good stable future. He was and still is so excited for me. And, me, well I cried like a baby when I told him that I got the job.

But, since I have to keep reminding myself that life isn’t always about me…oooo that hurts to say. Its about him and me, I guess I will have to be happy with what I have in front of me. My friend gave me some great advice…You can’t dwell on the past when past is over and done with. And you can’t only focus on the future, because you will lose sight of what’s right in front of you. So, living in the present, and not for the future, I have to do what is best for the two of us right now.

I can’t dwell on having a baby, because I don’t even know if that IS in the future for us. I can’t force myself into teaching because it’s not possible for me right now. I keep trying to think about when our baby would be born, and what I would be doing by then, or need to be doing, and because of that, I know that I have lost out on some pretty good opportunities. I can’t pass on anymore.

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