Its off to the beach for Dh and I. We thought that we would already be there by now, but as usual, something came up and we won’t be there til this evening. I can’t wait. I love the beach. There’s just something to be said about staring into the ocean. Its vastness and mystery is something that I have always loved, and one of my favorite things to do in the ocean is to swim. Swimming has always been something I enjoyed doing. But swimming in a pool is nothing compared to swimming in the ocean. In a pool its kinda like your playing in a fish bowl, but then in the ocean it feels like you could swim forever and never even have to look back if you don’t want. Although I don’t advise that for anyone who has ever seen JAWS.
I always enjoyed seeing how far I could make it and then turn around every so often and see how far I had come. Then one day, while vacationing with the family I found myself so far that I could barely see my mom on shore, much less hear her. When something inside of me told me to turn around my heart jumped a little when I realized just how far I had gone. I couldn’t touch the bottom, the waves were getting much stronger and then I caught a glimpse of my mom screaming and jumping on the beach. I swam in towards shore then noticed people coming in after me. When I could finally hear all of them, all of them we’re shouting for me to swim faster. I turned around and noticed a fin gliding through the water. My heart had never skipped so many beats at one time and for a second, I froze. I could see everyone yelling for me to swim. My dad had rushed in the water to come for me, but still I just stayed there. I gathered my thoughts, saw everyone cheering me on, and then swam as fast and as hard as I could and never looked back once. As soon as I got to the shore my mother began yelling at me for causing her to have a complete meltdown in public. My father congratulated for me for breaking some world record swim, and then my brother laughed at the fact that I had just stopped. He told me that even in a worst case scenario, I had to stop and think about what to do next instead of just doing it.
Last night as I was packing for the trip, I thought about that swim and what it felt like to be frozen by fear. I couldn’t scream, but knew that I wanted to. I didn’t move, but knew that I should have. Yet, somehow, while it was happening, everything was going by in slow motion. In that instance, I said a prayer, asked for help, and just swam as hard as I could. I made it to shore eventually, tired and scared, but I made it. That’s when I realized that I have to look at these next short months the same as I did in that swim. I’d made it so far out of touch with others, that I almost lost myself. Then, when I reminded myself to look at the most important people on shore, I could barely see them anymore. I was alone and would have to work my ass off just to make it back to them. The same goes through with this IF journey. I have gone so far out on this baby making path that I can barely remember what I left behind. So now its time to gather my thoughts, take a deep breath, say a prayer, focus on the finish line and “swim” as hard and as fast as I can. Each day I’m learning to accept this IVF thing a little more, I just hope that I have enough juice left in the tank, or eggs left in the baby maker to make it through this. But, I think as long as I keep an eye out for shore either way, I know I’ll find a safe place to land..with or without munchkins.