When life gives you a lemon…

When I was a kid, my mom would NEVER tell us any good news until it was happening just to make sure that we didn’t get our hopes up. If we were going somewhere fun, she’d wait til we were actually there to tell us. If she had anything even a little cool for us, she’d wait til it was in her hand to give it to us. She never even said “maybe” because me and the bro would always follow and say “maybe so, maybe no.”  She didn’t want us crying over something that we didn’t need to. And, over the years, I guess I kinda stuck with that rule. I never let myself get excited until something was in my hand. I never let myself get disappointed because I always think of the worst, and don’t even really expect the best, and am surprised when things turn out right.

But I can’t do that anymore. I happen to think that all things, good or bad happen for some reason that we are in no way in control of. Sometimes our hearts are broken and sometimes they’re not. That’s life. Not exactly ideal, but nonetheless life. I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt like hell when bad things happen, but I can say that for all of the bad things that do happen, one good thing will always come out of it. Whether it’s really good friends, a smile, self respect, or yes, even a lesson, something good will always come from something bad. It’s just up to us to pick ourselves up, dust the hurt off and try again. I can’t live in fear of the bad and the hopeless anymore. I have to accept disappointment when it comes my way, pick myself up and try again. Just as you should do. I’m not saying to forgive or even forget, because God knows I’m not even capable of that. But, what I am saying is to live life. Live a life that at times may have disappointment, but follow it with happiness. Live a life that may have a few heartbreaks and tears, but follow it with a lesson learned. Live a life that at times may seem hopeless, but follow it with a renewed faith in yourself or whatever you believe in, God, Buddha, Karma, whatever..just believe.

My mom did the best that she could every day, and although she tried to shield us from heartbreak and disappointment, life got in the way. I’m learning to take the good with the bad, and trying to only think the best instead of the worst. It’s hard, and only takes time, but in time, it’ll happen. I’ve learned that its ok to be sad or angry. But I’ve also learned not to fear sadness or anger because they are not what drives me, my faith, my husband, my family and my friends are. They’re what’s important, and for that, I’ll live life for whatever it is. Infertility has been hard, and quite disappointing, but its also been a lesson learned. I learned that I can’t control something I never had control of in the first place. I learned that I love my DH more than I love myself, I learned that life isn’t as easy as two people “doing it”, I learned that I have to give more of myself than I receive, and I learned that its ok to get excited, even if its only a fleeting moment. I often write how bad my fertility is working out, that I forget to write of all the things that are working out for me. I may not have the fairytale that I envisioned, but what I got in place of it is pretty damn close.

For my DH, we decided to do another cycle. That’s one reason how I know I love him more than I love myself. Its CD4 and I went to the RE and can’t really tell if I got good or bad news. I guess it’s just news. He said that I’ve been going at this for a while now and should really start to consider IVF. Three letters that I had hoped to avoid. He said that with the military there would be about a 6-12month wait, but it could be sooner than later. You see with Tricare, they only do IVF four times a year and therefore try to cram as many patients into one session that they can. He said that we may be able to squeeze into the Jan. 09 cycle if we have the $4000 and all our tests completed by December. I talked with DH, and we’re really not sure where we stand on this, but we know that we’re running out of both time and options…I need time to think. I need time to get a grip on all of this, and I need time to allow myself to accept whatever we have in store for us. As usual, my labs weren’t back yet so I don’t have those. But endo is 5.3, Leftie has 12 follies <10 and rightie has 7<10. I had a super light AF this time around and the doc said he would like to see me have more bleeding, in order to clear out “debris” so we’ll have to wait and see where we stand with this cycle a week from today. I know this is way long, and my apologies if you made it this far, but this was something that I had to scream to the world, but chose to type at an alarming rate instead.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “When life gives you a lemon…

  1. keystoclaritycoach

    Your message is one of courage, and certainly from a distance I can see how that is something beautiful that has come out of something painful. I have been through a similar journey to yours, and am still on mine too. Most important I have realised, that becoming pregnant and having a baby, doesn’t define who I am. It is one part of all the experiences I will, might or have had in my lifetime, which has so many interesting pieces to it. Like you said there always seems to be a reason for things turning out the way they do, and the ‘butterfly effect’ could be larger than us! I for one, know that this has been a huge contributor to the work I do as a coach! And I love it!
    I want to acknowledge you for giving yourself permission to being human, to allowing anger, sadness as well as happiness and joy to manifest itself when it needs to – its totally okay – and part of life! Gosh we would have nothing to measure against, if we were always constantly in a state of elation!

    I found after having a break from my cycle in Oct 2007, when my AF was very light, and just a couple of days, that now I am back into a full swing period, more normal than its been in 2 years, while we have been doing treatments. I think its given my body a chance to recover and balance itself again. All positive signs towards our trying IVF again in Oct 2008. A break is a wonderful way also just to feel ‘normal’ again, and not consumed by the experience. Check out my blog which lead you to a radio show I do, where I actually have just recently spoken about this topic. (it archives podcasts of all the shows) Wishing you all the best!

    Coach Louise Crooks

  2. Hi…thanks for the visit. Wow, we were “officially inseminated” (hahaha!!!) on the same day!

    I somehow wish I had some of your circumstances – younger and Tricare. But again, just like you said, be careful what you wish for…

    Anyway, my doctor’s main concern is my “advanced maternal age” so I can understand her recommendation to go for IVF since for me, every month counts. My main issue is the money since we are paying for all these treatments completely out of pocket!!!

    Back to you – I noticed that you have some ultrasound stats – does that mean you are baselining for another IUI? Also, it seems that you are producing only a few follicles – did I get that right? Did you notice an increase with Bravelle the last time? Just a thought – perhaps you can try another IUI cycle with bump up dosages?

    (I was on Follistim and the first cycle dosages was too much so we had to cancel (>10 follicles). The next cycle, the dosage was turned down and we got probably 3 follicles. The doctors don’t really know how much meds to give us until they get our own baseline, so meanwhile they use the standard baseline.)

    My point being the dosages they give you will need to be adjusted to your response. I somehow got the idea that it was your first (?) cycle to use Bravelle, so there may be some opportunity to explore those first with IUI before IVF (which you’ll have to wait for anyway on in Jan 09).

    Re IVF – in my mind, the good thing about it is that you will have more information on your egg and embryo quality.

    Sorry if this sounds like unsolicited advice 😦 but something to consider anyway…

    Hang in there… you’ve got 2 more IUIs to go.

  3. melbagirl

    Thinking of you and wishing you the best for this cycle.

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