When I was a kid, my mom would NEVER tell us any good news until it was happening just to make sure that we didn’t get our hopes up. If we were going somewhere fun, she’d wait til we were actually there to tell us. If she had anything even a little cool for us, she’d wait til it was in her hand to give it to us. She never even said “maybe” because me and the bro would always follow and say “maybe so, maybe no.” She didn’t want us crying over something that we didn’t need to. And, over the years, I guess I kinda stuck with that rule. I never let myself get excited until something was in my hand. I never let myself get disappointed because I always think of the worst, and don’t even really expect the best, and am surprised when things turn out right.
But I can’t do that anymore. I happen to think that all things, good or bad happen for some reason that we are in no way in control of. Sometimes our hearts are broken and sometimes they’re not. That’s life. Not exactly ideal, but nonetheless life. I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt like hell when bad things happen, but I can say that for all of the bad things that do happen, one good thing will always come out of it. Whether it’s really good friends, a smile, self respect, or yes, even a lesson, something good will always come from something bad. It’s just up to us to pick ourselves up, dust the hurt off and try again. I can’t live in fear of the bad and the hopeless anymore. I have to accept disappointment when it comes my way, pick myself up and try again. Just as you should do. I’m not saying to forgive or even forget, because God knows I’m not even capable of that. But, what I am saying is to live life. Live a life that at times may have disappointment, but follow it with happiness. Live a life that may have a few heartbreaks and tears, but follow it with a lesson learned. Live a life that at times may seem hopeless, but follow it with a renewed faith in yourself or whatever you believe in, God, Buddha, Karma, whatever..just believe.
My mom did the best that she could every day, and although she tried to shield us from heartbreak and disappointment, life got in the way. I’m learning to take the good with the bad, and trying to only think the best instead of the worst. It’s hard, and only takes time, but in time, it’ll happen. I’ve learned that its ok to be sad or angry. But I’ve also learned not to fear sadness or anger because they are not what drives me, my faith, my husband, my family and my friends are. They’re what’s important, and for that, I’ll live life for whatever it is. Infertility has been hard, and quite disappointing, but its also been a lesson learned. I learned that I can’t control something I never had control of in the first place. I learned that I love my DH more than I love myself, I learned that life isn’t as easy as two people “doing it”, I learned that I have to give more of myself than I receive, and I learned that its ok to get excited, even if its only a fleeting moment. I often write how bad my fertility is working out, that I forget to write of all the things that are working out for me. I may not have the fairytale that I envisioned, but what I got in place of it is pretty damn close.
For my DH, we decided to do another cycle. That’s one reason how I know I love him more than I love myself. Its CD4 and I went to the RE and can’t really tell if I got good or bad news. I guess it’s just news. He said that I’ve been going at this for a while now and should really start to consider IVF. Three letters that I had hoped to avoid. He said that with the military there would be about a 6-12month wait, but it could be sooner than later. You see with Tricare, they only do IVF four times a year and therefore try to cram as many patients into one session that they can. He said that we may be able to squeeze into the Jan. 09 cycle if we have the $4000 and all our tests completed by December. I talked with DH, and we’re really not sure where we stand on this, but we know that we’re running out of both time and options…I need time to think. I need time to get a grip on all of this, and I need time to allow myself to accept whatever we have in store for us. As usual, my labs weren’t back yet so I don’t have those. But endo is 5.3, Leftie has 12 follies <10 and rightie has 7<10. I had a super light AF this time around and the doc said he would like to see me have more bleeding, in order to clear out “debris” so we’ll have to wait and see where we stand with this cycle a week from today. I know this is way long, and my apologies if you made it this far, but this was something that I had to scream to the world, but chose to type at an alarming rate instead.