Bowing out.

Yeah, so as promised I’ve currently put that scrawny curly, dumb fuck southern boy at the top of my most wanted list. Yeah you, Joel “fuckhead” Osteen. I tried the positive thing, and to tell you the truth, I think that’s more painful than just jumping off a cliff with sharks and cactus waiting at the bottom. I actually got that pit of my stomach, shaky hands, excited feeling right before that little pee stick laughed it’s ass off at me. “HAHA Infertile, I win again.” Fuck you.

My heart is breaking, and am doing my best to fight back the tears, I had told myself that I was done crying over this and that I would just have to accept whatever result transpired. I can’t. My clock is ticking even faster given the fact that we have only have two IUI with injectables left. After that, it’s on to IVF, but since we’re military (sigh) we will go on a waiting list that is over six months long. I’ve lost it. That would mean that by the time it was our turn for IVF it would be well into the next year.

I’m desperatley looking for answers. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t they find the reason why I can’t be part of the 85%. Why is it that I’m always on the wrong side of stats? Did I serioulsy fuck with Karma? What did I do to deserve this. A friend told me that God does these little “mishaps” in order for us take lessons from them. I’m NOT GETTING THE FUCKING MEMO!!!! If I could just get a fucking hint I’d be grateful. Not only is it more than painful to not have a child, but its like salt in a wound when there isn’t even a reason. I’m starting to give up.

DH told me that he wouldn’t be able to handle it if we just decided to give up. That would be his breaking point. But I’m afarid that I’ve already reached mine, and I am completely ready to just give up. I can’t take the heart ache that comes every 28 days. I don’t know how many times I can pick myself up from the floor. I’m tired of being the butt of mother’s nature fucked up joke, and I don’t think I will continue anymore. It just hurts too much, and with IVF so far off that would mean that all of this would just be prolonged. I wish there was a dark hole that I could just crawl in and hide from the whole world. I just don’t think I can face another 15 year old mom, or a mom with a litter, or a first time pg mom. I just can’t do it. My faith has been tested to the max, my emotions are in over drive, and I’ve just lost hope. I’m so angry with the world right now, and I think that’s my sign to respectfully bow out.

I work in the adoption field and I am more than aware of that industry, and although I believe it is wonderful option for others, I’m afraid my career has made me to cynical about it. Therefore, I believe that it may be time to begin to adjust to life without the possibility of children.

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11 Comments

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11 responses to “Bowing out.

  1. I’m sorry hon. I’m so sorry. Virtual box of Kleenex, Absolut and mixers to ya. Ooh, and I’d like you to introduce you to my friends, Ben and Jerry. Oh, you know each other? Cool.

    Here if you need me, hon.

  2. Over from L&F. The hurt and heartache is so fresh right now. Take some time before making any decisions. That’s my assvice for the day. I do know how you feel and I’ve decided the IVF #2 will be it for me. I don’t know how to handle the disappointment over and over again. I don’t know how I will move on if this doesn’t work, but somehow I will and you will too. Hang in there.
    (((hugs)))

  3. Michell

    Coming over from lost and found. I’m sorry about the BFN and all the other stuff going along with it. Hugs to you.

  4. I’m feeling for you – just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. Oh so tough.

  5. kim

    Popping in from L&F.. just to let you know that I’ll be thinking of you both. I’m sorry that this has to suck so badly.

  6. I completely understand that desire to stop the merry-go-round. I think about it more often than I admit. Then I read your post and the thing that jumped out at me was that Tricare will cover IUI and IVF. I get so sick of it being everyone else’s turn, but when my ears perk up at the sound of more chances to try (we’re ex-army…now army reserves which means $260 a month for Tricare…next year we should be able to swing that) I know I’m not giving up any time soon.

  7. Found you through Lost and Found.

    I am so sorry for the BFN cycle and for being on the wrong end of the statistics. I can’t know exactly how you feel, but I can certainly empathsize.

    I encourage you not to make any major decisions right now. You are going through a loss and your emotions and hormones are completely whacked out.

    Give yourself some time to grieve and process. After my sixth loss, I was DONE, DONE, DONE but my husband was not ready to move to adoption. It took some time on my part (and patience between the two of us), but we got there.

    If you still feel strongly about this in a few days, weeks, or months, it might be time to sit down and seriously discuss your options.

    Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

  8. Hi, I’m here from Lost and Found.

    I read your post and feel your pain. It’s just so frustrating and really, we just want answers. Answers to why we are part of the 15% who have such a hard time having babies and when will this all end.

    And yes, I’ll buy you a virtual drink too.

    Big hugs coming your way.

    xoxoxo

  9. I’m so sorry – infertility completely and utterly sucks.

  10. Mish

    I think it’s courageous what you’re blogging about. It’s fresh, raw, honest, interesting. I guess my only thing that I can put out there, although I have not experienced the trials/tribulations, which you and your partner have experienced…is to make sure that both of you are still connected to eachother regardless of the outcome. I can imagine that such a ‘task’ could re-shape your relationship. No matter what you do…make sure that at the end of the day your relationship is one that supports you, enriches you and brings you joy. I think that you need to let your body have a rest, let your mind be a peace and when you finally do that you’re spirit will be more open to whatever you will be given.

    Thanks for sharing.
    ~M

  11. whataboutmyeggs

    Thanks to everyone for all of your kind words. Words can’t describe how all of this has helped. I really appreciate it. You all are the greatest. I wish all of you the best of luck.

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