Yeah, so as promised I’ve currently put that scrawny curly, dumb fuck southern boy at the top of my most wanted list. Yeah you, Joel “fuckhead” Osteen. I tried the positive thing, and to tell you the truth, I think that’s more painful than just jumping off a cliff with sharks and cactus waiting at the bottom. I actually got that pit of my stomach, shaky hands, excited feeling right before that little pee stick laughed it’s ass off at me. “HAHA Infertile, I win again.” Fuck you.
My heart is breaking, and am doing my best to fight back the tears, I had told myself that I was done crying over this and that I would just have to accept whatever result transpired. I can’t. My clock is ticking even faster given the fact that we have only have two IUI with injectables left. After that, it’s on to IVF, but since we’re military (sigh) we will go on a waiting list that is over six months long. I’ve lost it. That would mean that by the time it was our turn for IVF it would be well into the next year.
I’m desperatley looking for answers. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t they find the reason why I can’t be part of the 85%. Why is it that I’m always on the wrong side of stats? Did I serioulsy fuck with Karma? What did I do to deserve this. A friend told me that God does these little “mishaps” in order for us take lessons from them. I’m NOT GETTING THE FUCKING MEMO!!!! If I could just get a fucking hint I’d be grateful. Not only is it more than painful to not have a child, but its like salt in a wound when there isn’t even a reason. I’m starting to give up.
DH told me that he wouldn’t be able to handle it if we just decided to give up. That would be his breaking point. But I’m afarid that I’ve already reached mine, and I am completely ready to just give up. I can’t take the heart ache that comes every 28 days. I don’t know how many times I can pick myself up from the floor. I’m tired of being the butt of mother’s nature fucked up joke, and I don’t think I will continue anymore. It just hurts too much, and with IVF so far off that would mean that all of this would just be prolonged. I wish there was a dark hole that I could just crawl in and hide from the whole world. I just don’t think I can face another 15 year old mom, or a mom with a litter, or a first time pg mom. I just can’t do it. My faith has been tested to the max, my emotions are in over drive, and I’ve just lost hope. I’m so angry with the world right now, and I think that’s my sign to respectfully bow out.
I work in the adoption field and I am more than aware of that industry, and although I believe it is wonderful option for others, I’m afraid my career has made me to cynical about it. Therefore, I believe that it may be time to begin to adjust to life without the possibility of children.