Kind smiles go a long way

First of all, I know I haven’t said this lately, but thank you to everyone for such nice comments. They’ve really helped me to see that this is a great way I can express how I truly feel to women that, unfortunately, know how I feel.

Well it’s already CD7, time flies, especially when you don’t need it to. Started taking the Clomid on CD4 as RX’ed by the docs. My CD4 appointment went well, I guess. I was much more relaxed this time and asked about my high temps, which to no surprise I was blown off. It kind of hurt my feelings that he just says this in like passing. He couldn’t even look me in my eyes, and give me a reassuring kind smile or anything.

ME: You know Dr. Jackass, I continued to temp throughout the time we were on our break, and even looked at some of my previous charts, before I was getting treated, and noticed that my temps never drop below 98.5. They have always been consistently higher, drop to high 97s then climb right back to 98s 99s even a few 100s, then go right back to 98s. Is this something that I should worry about, has the Clomid affected it?

Jackass: No, BBT has such a large margin of error from person to person that it’s not a big deal. You probably just didn’t ovulate, that’s all. That’s why we have you on these meds, and take routine u/s and blood work, so that we can make sure that you’re ovulating accordingly. (Said in a school teacher to Kinder class voice while walking out of the room.)

ME: Oh, ok, so then all of my levels should be in normal range then.

Jackass: That’s the plan. So, I see that you took a break from us for a while. Any particular reason why?

ME: Well, we sent on vacation, my DH wasn’t able to come, June was very very hectic with family and money, and jobs, or lack there of, and before I knew it, July had just creeped on in.

Jackass: Well, that’s ok, sometimes its good to take a break, it just prolongs your time from getting pg.

ME: Yeah well, it’s taken us this long, what are a few more months gonna do to us?

Jackass: You’re right, sometimes the timing is not just right to continue on trying every month. Now can you slide on down about three inches so we can take a look?

ME: (Scooching my ass down) and thinking, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say nuttin at all!!”  

 The good thing I guess is that I got the courage to ask. I even had the balls to ask when I would get my blood work results!!! As expected, I was told that I would have to wait til Monday, but it would probably be better if we just waited til the next appt. on this Friday. It’s not much, but for me, its progress. At least this time, the Dr. shook my hand. The other staff there, all of the Airmen, and Sgts. are really great. They’re kind and offer their apologies when you’re in the next month, and even remembered little things that DH and I had said in the past. (See, this is me, looking for the positive in things.) They actually help to keep my mind off of the impending meet and greet with the crappy Dr. and his crappy dildo cam.  The dildo cam was the same ol thing I had tried to forget. My conversation with the him: “so we meet again you nasty little plastic bag covered  high tec dildo. I hope she’s just as you remembered her, still intact, uterus is a little farther to the back, but hey, my lady had a professional hair wax just for you, so you better DAMN well cooperate this time!!! Got it!!!” He did for the most part. The Dr. said that it was a good result since I had been off meds for 3 months. Several follies on both sides, all “small” none of them were measured, but still, they’re there. Uterus was at 5.4, which because of the lack of communication between patient and doc, I have NO IDEA if that’s a good or bad number.

I was told to start Bravelle injections on CD8, the day that I finish the Clomid, and then get seen on Friday. I was given my little gift bag, (no really, a gift bag) by the assistant in the room since Dr. Jackass had so quietly left, with 5 needles, syringes, some gauze and alcohol pads and sent me on my merry way to the pharmacy. Ok…what’s missing here?

HOW THE FUCK AM IS SUPPOSED TO DO THIS FUCKING THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO I MIX, WHERE DO I INJECT? DO I INJECT IN THE SAME PLACE EACH TIME? WHAT THE FUCK IS BRAVELLE? HOW DOES IT WORK? DO YOU THINK IT CAN HELP ME??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!I had soo many questions, and like always, I was sent on my way with my gift bag, and a hope and a prayer. In fairness, he did tell me that I should do the meds, including the Clomid at night so that they can prolong ovulation.

While I was sitting in the pharmacy, one of the other women in the RE clinic who was sitting in the RE’s waiting room with caught my eye, and she kindly smiled at me. I smiled back and noticed that we had the same look on our faces. It was the look of hurt and disappointment, mixed with fear and hope for this cycle. It was like we looked at each other and secretly told one another how sorry we both were for one another, but that we were hopeful for the both of us. As she walked away she asked what attempt this was and I said 4, and she answered with 5. I wished her good luck, as she did the same, and we winked at one another, both hoping that we wouldn’t see each other at the clinic anymore. I know a lot of words, for such a small, and quick greeting, but I know for me, there was so much meaning behind and hurt, and hope behind it. While I waited for my turn to complete my “baby in a bag,” as I named it, I couldn’t help but wish that I could send one of those hopeful and kind smiles to all of the IF’s out there. I know that you can’t see me, but please know that I’m sending you all smiles and hopes right now.


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