Damn those little sticks

So I peed on my OPK and guess what?!?! According to that I am ovulating now. Both lines were equal, but of course my temps have changed and are not in agreement with the OPK. I am trying to sort all of it out, and will probably ask my doctor for clarification, and now for the great news….I ovulated all by myself!! No Clomid, Metformin, or trigger. I have never had a problem with that, in fact, even before we started with our RE I was consistently ovulating, therefore I don’t think it’s that. I have been doing some more reading, and found that my negative (A-) blood type may have something to do with it. I’m not sure though, I have only consulted Dr. Google, and WebMD on this and they both have conflicting opinions, but I will continue on my quest to determine a reason for my “unexplained infertility.”

As you can tell, I am officially on the baby bandwagon again, well, for right now at least. I am very hopeful for this cycle, and can only ask Him for help. There’s been a lot going on lately with other friends, so I wouldn’t be offended if he listened to them over me this month. Our best friends, who actually married each other are living in CA, but were preparing for a move back home, but the worst thing that could have happened did. His father suffered a totally unexpected aneurysm and was in a coma. Early this morning, after conducting more tests, they confirmed that he was clinically brain dead. They chose to end his ventilation and he died shortly after. This was such a surprise for them both, and to tell you the truth, I still feel like this hasn’t happened. I feel terrible for them, and right now, any problem that I thought I had seems quite insignificant. Thank God, I still have my mom and dad, and DH has his. They are all in really good health, but we did have a scare with his mother over a year ago, and with BF’s dad dying it really made me pray that our children will get to know their “abuelos,” grandma and grandpa’s and GG’s. Life is so fragile, I learned that when I lost our baby Binx. One day it’s there and the next it’s not. I am praying for the end of a good man’s life, yet praying for the beginning of my baby’s. I feel selfish, and absolutely horrible that our Godson, who is only 16 months old will never get to know his Grandpa G, nor will he ever be blessed with any memory of him. Over the last 24 hours I have been counting my blessings, and yet still praying for one more. Why does God touch our lives Good and Bad the way that he does? Is it to test us and see how far we will go, or for us to test him? I’m not sure really how to feel right now, I don’t want to be optimistic for my own reasons, and yet want to show how sorry I am for our friends. I know I could do both, but I believe deeply in Karma, and I don’t want that kind of shit to come back and bite me in my ass.

**UPDATE

I have somewhat figured out how to feel from yesterday. Today is my anniversary and I must say, I am actually truly excited about being married to DH for 4 years!!!! I actually think I love him more than I did when I married him. We were just kids when we said “I do,” and now four years later, I am starting to realize just what type of love we have. When we got married it was the exciting new beginning that I had hoped for. But as we got older, and time passed..along with my fertility, our love became different. Good, but different. Somewhere between the countless negative HPTs, tears, negative bank accounts, lost jobs, the military, shared living quarters, a miscarriage, a move from my home and family and shitty doctors our life went right. Now I’m not saying it went perfect, but between all of that there were laughs, friendships, a beautiful new home, more family than I can handle, and relationship made of trust and hope. Yes, you can say it, corny, but call it what you’d like, our marriage and my love for him is stronger than I could have hoped for. After our friend’s loss of his dad, all I can hope for now is to continue living the life that we have built TOGETHER. It would be wonderful if we added a beautiful bouncing baby somewhere along the way, but right now I need to be counting the blessings that I have. My biggest, having a husband who has stuck by me, especially during my Clomid, dildo cam, not pregnant meltdowns. That alone, deserves a medal of fortitude.

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