Today is CD2, she decided to show her self yesterday. I’m guessing this would be day 2 since Monday, **TMI** I was only spotting brown, I did have a little red, but not even a flow, so I am going off my guesstimation. She’s not as bad as last month, the normal stuff, but nothing unbearable. I’m still struggling with my decision to hold the IF world off for yet another month, but I’m working through it. I keep telling myself that next month will be the month that we have been waiting for. My BFP will appear, and my lil bean will be a sticky one. Of course my nerves and unique pessimism quickly takes over and I begin to think how we will go about paying for IVF, but like DH says, I can’t doom us just yet.
Another one of my close friends told me that they would begin trying for their first at the end of the summer, and..(Karma please ignore this) but now I feel like I’m in another baby race, and DAMN IT, I better hit the finish line first this time!!!! I have been patiently waiting and quietly hoping for too damn long, and women just keep blowing past me with their round bellies, and Motherhood bags. That’s it, I’ve decided, WE WILL be the next of our friends to announce that we’re pregnant, even if it kills me. I hope the best for my girlfriend, especially since they have been married longer, and she’s older, but sorry girlfriend, this race is mine. I refuse to eat shit another time, and have to smile and host another baby shower that isn’t mine. She’ll just have to take the next one. Oh Lord, please hear my confidence, and unusual positivity and allow me to finally be the mother that I had always hoped I would be. Better yet, please let my DH become the father I know he was born to be. Another set of our friends are getting married in June, and I would love to buy a beautiful little dress, or baby tux by then. Or at least be wearing a beautiful maternity dress. I’m making plans God, and I would really hope you wouldn’t f*ck with em this time..Please