I’m a chicken.

CD1..Happy to report. What a hell of a way to start another horrible Monday. AF was there to wake me this morning, and she was so kind as to even do it before the alarm did. I POAS just in case I thought maybe she got the wrong address, but nope, “not pregnant” was staring right back at me just to confirm her arrival. I have to confess, once again my heart was a little broken. This was the reality that I had to make a decision TODAY as to what the next step would be for this month. Then the tear came. Uncontrollable, alligator, hysterical tears. I wasn’t ready to finally make a decision. I wasn’t ready to face what I have so carelessly tried to avoid. But she was staring at me with her game face on, and the little negative pee stick was there to cheer her on.

I went back to bed and just laid with DH for a minute. He rolled over and asked why I had climbed back into bed if I was already late for work. Cue more tears. I bawled and tried to get him to understand my fears. How I wasn’t ready for this journey to end in disappointment. Maybe if I waited one more month, then I would be ready. I told him I couldn’t handle that kind of devastation should our lil one choose not to come into the world. That’s when I got a reply I wasn’t waiting for.

Poor, poor pathetic me just wanted someone to agree with me, and DH did nothing of the sorts. He said that he would support me in whatever decision I made, but that he can’t believe how negative I’m already being!! Can you believe it?? Me?? Negative?? No way!!! (insert sarcasm here). He said that I was already stressing out and willing all of this fail before I even called the doctor. He said that he was tired of me stressing myself and him out to the point that “this” wasn’t working. He concluded that my stress about getting pregnant was the reason why I wasn’t getting pregnant, and then said the two words, that NO infertile woman EVER wants to hear…”Just Relax!!!”

WHAT!!!!!??? Are you kidding me? Relax?? Really? I don’t know about any of you, but I hate those words. As if I were to just have a glass of wine and a massage and then boom, I’m knocked up. That when the tears fell, and my anger took over. I admit I was wrong to have doomed us before even trying, and I should not live in What If’s, but this is what infertility has led me to.

Anyways, to make me a long story even longer. Sorry, but I have to write and get this off of my chest, otherwise, I will turn to a ball of tears all over again. I left completely hurt at everything DH had said and started to think about the good things that could come out of getting back on the ride. Then, I thought about all of the other pros and cons, and still couldn’t come to a conclusion. I was hoping for a sign, and struggling whether to pick up the phone and call, and then I remembered..

It was this time last year that I found out I was pregnant. (Add more tears and emotions here). Then, it was two weeks later, the night of our anniversary that I found out I had miscarried. This month last year sucked!! To say the least. After remembering the hurt from last year, and how horrible our anniversary went, I decided that I wanted to have a happy one this year. Full of romantic dinners, laughs, and…=) I chose to not go through with our injectibles this month. It will be our third month without treatments, and even though I desperately want to be pregnant, I just can’t put myself through more hurt this month. Yes, that is pessimism, shining through. I was already assuming it wouldn’t work, and because of that I knew that I just wasn’t quite ready.

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1 Comment

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One response to “I’m a chicken.

  1. Oh man… sorry abt AF and sorry for what Dh told you. I too have gotten those from my Dh and even BFF who also strggled ttc, even though she didn’t even get to see an RE. I think you made the best decision you cld and I agree on having a happy anniversary. G’luck though!! Hope this is your ‘lucky’ anniversary.

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