Well, I’m back..(SIGH). I knew I should have waited to come back on Tuesday. I have always hated Mondays, but this one SUCKS since it is my first day back at the office.
Vacation was a blast. My little brother is finally a High School Graduate!! I love him to death, but can’t say that he didn’t have us all worried that he would walk the stage. Like all vacations, time flew by faster and faster each day. I found myself not wanting to go to sleep and thinking that if I didn’t, the next wouldn’t come. We didn’t get as much “alone” time as we had hoped for, but the great thing was that we got to see pretty much all of my family. I wish I could have spent more time with mom, but children of divorced parents find themselves dividing time half and half even as adults.
On the baby note, I actually don’t have that much to say. DH and I talked a lot about it on the 14 hour drive back and forth, and I think we came to the conclusion that we are ok with where we are right now. In fact, as I was “home,” I realized that I should be just thankful for what I have, and the chances that I have been given. A lot of my friends already have children, and while we were visiting them I noticed the extreme struggles; finances, time, marriage, all that good stuff, that each of them were going through, and I realized that that could have been us. Don’t get me wrong, I would give my right arm to have a child, but maybe our timing is just off. DH and I really started to think, and both of us realized that maybe we want a baby so badly because we know that we can’t have one. You see, he and I are the epitome of competitive people. We always have to win, be right, and look better doing it, whatever “it” is we’re doing. I know, you can say it, sounds like a couple of self righteous, arrogant know it alls. But we’re really not like that at all, we have just always been natural competitors. Therefore, when we set out on this journey, we just assumed conceiving would come to us as easy as everything else so far.
While we were on vacation I couldn’t help but think how amazing it would be to bring a baby into the family. To have my aunts and grandmothers give me advice, and my mom holding her first grandchild, what every mother in waiting hopes for. But then I thought about it longer, and started to ask myself if we should be in such a big hurry. I’m barely into my 20’s and still have a whole lot of learning to do. DH and I made plans for what we wanted to do before we hit 30. and then it occurred to me that we haven’t made it very far down the list yet. My grandmother and aunts will still be there in 5 years, God willing, they are in excellent health. My mom is barely 40 and my Dad will never change. However, having a child would change everything for us. We waited on friends to go out while they found sitters, and stayed in because their funds were low, and we went Rock climbing and trail running.
Please don’t get me wrong, I would gladly find a sitter and stay home with my baby if I had the opportunity, but let’s be realistic, as of now, I have not been lucky enough to have the opportunity present itself. Therefore, why I am planning on what car we buy according to car seat room, and why do I pass the baby section in every store to plan on what I will put in the nursery? Why do I ask Dh about a name that I heard and liked??WHY??
I am so confused right now. On one hand I can’t wait to be a mother, and then on the other, I can’t understand why we are in such a hurry?? Our talk really helped, but we still find ourselves between a rock and a hard place. Do we continue with the FREE treatments, and move to injectibles, with a huge discounted IVF should the IUIs not work, or do we choose to pass on the clinic, hope to get pregnant on our own, or fork out the dough later on down the road should we not get pregnant using old fashion techniques? I want a child, and would love to be a mother, but I have chosen to live by some wise words; “Be careful what you wish for.” What if my wish comes true and DH got pg. with Trips, or more, that would for sure financially drown us. But then, wouldn’t have children be better than none. But then how would we care for each one. Will we ever just have $30,000 laying around to invest into treatments, should we choose to pass on everything? Or if we go ahead with the free treatments, and God forbid something happen to our baby(s) should something transpire during the pregnancy that could have been prevented had we opted out of the treatments.
I know life is a gamble, and nothing is ever a guarantee, and should a person never take a risk, nothing will ever get accomplished. I am full and ready to take whatever risk necessary, the question that DH and I can’t answer though is; “Which one?”