Just to rant

Ok, changing my tune..I know I know, I spoke too soon. Although I am content waiting for right now, after hearing more pg. news I am up and ready to go. My clock is ticking and my eggs are screaming for fertilization. I know that this month was about relaxation and it is, but one of my IF friends just announced she was pg!! I am very happy for her, I know the long road they have traveled down was just as hard for them as our is. They went through IUI’s, Clomid and even an IVF and nothing. Then, for some great reason nature kicked in and fertilized her. This has restored my faith in the IF world, and I can’t help but feel like that could be me. I could actually have a happy ending to this ongoing saga. She is just a year younger than me, but they had only been trying for a little over a year and a half with the treatments, and had unexplained infertility as well. In many ways, she was the one who got me to be happy about going through our RE clinic. Before her, I was terrified that I was the only one that young in the clinic and I just knew that everyone was rolling their eyes at me. But when I met her in the waiting room, samples in our hands, we just clicked. She has been a good friend so far, and I wish the both of them the best, especially their new jellybean as they call it, but the eternal question keeps nagging at me. “When is it my turn?” DH and I have been trying like crazy for years, and only one BFP ever. After the m/c NOTHING!!! Clomid, IUI, HCG nothing seems to get my freakin eggs to communicate with his sperm somewhere in the vicinity of my uterus. What the hell??? I’m not obsessing, just questioning right now. I know the wait has been great for us, I feel like DH and I are finally finding normalcy together again. My in laws just moved out, my job is becoming more stable, our finances are looking up again, and who would have thunk, the love/sex, not BD has become something we thought we was forever lost. Yet, why then do I always want more? Why can’t I just be content with puppies and DH, house and cars?? I’ll tell you why..Because I crave the smell of baby. I need to feel my son/daughter kick inside of me. I want to cry tears of joy when they place my baby on my chest, not tears of sadness when I see another BFN. I want to tell my husband that our son has a temper like his, with my long eye lashes. I want to show off my baby to the world in one of those adorable infant car seats, go to their first day of Kinder, have my husband teach them to ride a bike and be there when he/she graduates high school, college. You know, the cliche. I want that. But for now, I am content with waiting in hopeful anticipation, sipping a margarita on vacation and just being in the presence of my wonderful husband. **SIGH**

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