Fertility Drama..again

Well, she finally arrived…almost five days late, but hey, I should have figured. Cramps aren’t as bad as I thought though. I guess the bad cramps were just another effect from the meds. I was hoping to start on time, that way I would ovulate right around the time of vacation, but I think my ovaries and uterus hate me. I can’t blame them though, well after the hell that I’ve put them through. Seven rounds of Clomid, three IUI’s, 30+ plus months of BD’ing and one miscarriage. I truly think I developed some cysts this time around too. I had some major pains on each ovary side, I’m not for sure, but I think they were there. I was reading on Google, where else, about PCOS and read that a woman can still have PCOS even if she doesn’t have cysts.? Is that true? No one has ever heard of that, and I’m sure the RE hasn’t tested me for it since I am very regular every month. But the rest of the symptoms, hair growth, decreased breast size, etc are all there. And, last IUI cycle they did find a cyst. I’m no WebMD, but could it be that they’ve just looked over yet another possibility for my IF? What am I doing?? I said no obsessing, and yet once again the IF demons have taken over all functional parts of my brain!!! Except for the vacation part.

I have started to X off the days on the calendar and even took out the suitcases. Now, all I have to do is clean house, take M&M to the vet for their checkups, catch up on work stuff, do major laundry, tan and pack. Its all part of the vacation ritual..stress out completely so by the time you get to where you’re going, it doesn’t take long at all to relax. That’s my theory anyway. Because I am such a stress hound, I am already stressing about the return home.

Coming back has me completely scared. Because coming back, means starting IF treatments again. I should be excited, but I am actually terrified. I hated every second of it, especially the part when you POAS and all you get is one bright pink line laughing at you. Just thinking about the emotional roller coaster that IF has put us both through brings tears to my eyes. I’ve been thinking a lot, and as I start to think more and more, I find myself questioning if this medicated path to pregnancy is the answer for us. I am still young, although getting older every day, I still believe I have at least five more really good years. Maybe, I just need to stop forcing something that will happen when we’re ready.

I happen to believe there is a reason to everything. Call me a hippie, but it is too hard for me to think that things happen at random. Spiritual or not, I think there is a plan that someone, or something has set into motion for every person the day they are conceived. We have free will, and can change our paths, but I think eventually, good or bad, we follow the plan that was laid out for us. Ok, getting off my Ghandi soap box now. Back to treatments, what if this is not meant to work? I’m not sure that I can take that sort of devastation. So to me, it might be easier to stay naieve to the whole thing and bow out gracefully, as to guard my heart. On the other hand, life is a risk, and if a person doesn’t take risks, they will never truly know how far they could have gone. So where does that leave me?? Somewhere in between hopeful and adventurous I guess. I hate feeling like this and am really dreading the decisions that DH will have to make in the next few months.


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