Where do I go from here?

Well, no signs of a lil one that’s for sure. I don’t even have sore boobs, which is strange because I get those even when AF arrives. I think this cycle will be a pretty painless one since I really haven’t had the typical hormonal mood swings, so I’m hoping she will come and leave real soon that way I can start to cycle without meds. YAY!! I know that this means we would have to wait even longer for our baby, but sometimes good things come to those that wait, right?

DH and I had a long discussion and actually decided that we may even wait til the end of summer to start the program over again. We’re big BBQ and beach people and love having cookouts, not that you can’t do that when pg. but the summer time seemed to always be DH and me time. We don’t want yet another summer ruined by timed BD. Last year we literally planned everything around that. Where we stayed, when and how long we were there just to make sure that we would make it home in time to the “deed.”

Plus, our un-invited room mates will be gone by then and the house will be all ours!!!! A whole summer to ourselves. Throw in a few vacations, trips to the beach and of course, my favorite, Margaritas, and you have our most memorable times together again. The first year we were married we traveled like crazy, went camping, skiing, everything and then once we decided to start “trying,” mind you we thought we would be one of the “fertile couples” we just stopped doing everything to concentrate on the baby.

Now that we realized how much time we really lost, we both kind of regret some of the decisions we had made. Funny thing is, we didn’t even realize the mistakes until someone asked us “why are you in a hurry to have kids?” Well, yes the cliche answer was, “beacuse we love each other and want to share and create a life together.” Then he said, “it’s not like you guys are pushing the bio clock that much.” “Maybe you should focus on creating your marriage and then create a life.” LOL I know, this whole time we had thought we had already done that when it hit us. Holy Shit, we hadn’t had a marriage yet. You see, the first year of weddded bliss, he was TDY a lot and so that year was like a blur for us, except for the summer that he was home. The second year we moved in with mom to help her with the bills and my brothers and sisters after our dad left. Then the third year we were still living like the old mother in a shoe until we finally got our PCS orders. He left earlier than I did so that  I could finish my semester. So yet again, even more time apart. Just when we thought it would finally be us, his parents sold their house and had no where else to go but to our guest bedrooms. Almost a year later, they’re still as part of the house as our furniture. Although they did find a house and should finally be gone by the EOM. Whew!! What a crazy 4 years!!! Looking back it’s hard to see that we really haven’t been living the married life almost the entire time we have been married. We sat down the other night and counted the years , months that we had lived together, and out of the almost 48 months of being married, we have only lived just with each other for 17 months. Much of which was still sporadic since he was flying a lot.

So what is a girl supposed to do? Our marriage certificate says that we have a 4 year anniversary coming up, but to tell you the truth, I don’t feel like we have actually known each other as husband and wife for that long. Do we continue on the baby path since “we love each other and want to create a life”, or do we try to create what we should have had years ago.

It’s so unfair sometimes. I feel like I have been robbed of so many things. My fairytale wedding..ruined by my fighting parents. Our newlywed years by a fleeting dad and a desperate mom. Our first year in our first home by overly attached parents..and yes my fertility, by God knows what. In the end, I’m left with a struggle. Go back and try fix some of the things that I lost, or face forward, and move on. No sense in trying to fix the past right? But, here’s the thing…have we really ever had a past? I’m a mess as you can tell, and I am so unsure of where to go now, keep trying since these are my “fertile years” and say hell with the past? Or, put a hault to this whole BD thing until I can get a grip of where DH and I are at this point in our life and try to make this next year, as memorable as our summers. As you can see I’m in a rock and hard place….Any ideas?


1 Comment

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One response to “Where do I go from here?

  1. Amy

    I’ve been reading your blog over the past week or so, and it’s a very interesting point you make about your relationship becoming all about trying to have kids. We’ve been trying for about 5 years, and have finally moved on to our first IVF cycle. I don’t know how many times we’ve said “we shouldn’t plan that – what if we’re pregnant?”.

    My husband likes to say that we have a good marriage, and even if the kids thing doesn’t work out we’re still going to have a good marriage and a good life. And, he’s right. I think we just lose sight of that sometimes.

    Good luck to you!

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