This weekend was actually more than I thought it would be, which I am definitely grateful for. I think DH and I both really needed it, but among all the fun and chaos I guess I lost track of all my emotions..and with a vengence, they’re here. I’m gonna blame it on PMS since I’m sure this cycle was a bust, but it seems like all at once, they creeped in just to make sure that I didn’t have too much fun.
You know that ball in the back of your throat that makes it almost impossible to talk right before you cry, well on the way to work it just appeared. From the minute I walked into work it was like the emotions were just waiting at my desk. I’m sure it doesn’t help to know that I probably only have a few weeks left at that desk since the office is closing. Yes, I will be gainfully unemployed. I loved my job, but I have to face the truth, like many good things in my life, it didn’t last. Yes DH and I are worried, and going to be up shit creek without a paddle, but I guess we don’t have a lot of options.
Maybe that’s why we thought it would be a good idea to have one last hoorah before we’re broke. Or maybe we just really needed to stop obsessing on this baby. I started to put everything together and that’s when I realized that maybe God does have a plan for us. Maybe we lost our first pg. because I was going to lose my job, and maybe this pg. thing hasn’t happend yet because the stress of going down to one income would have compromised another pg. I don’t know, all I know is that right now I can’t even explain how I feel. I’m nervous, a little disappointed about the baby thing, and yet a little guilty for giving up and wanting to take a break. Those “what if’s” keep popping up in my brain like what if you were meant to get pg. this month or the next but you chose Margaritas and the pool instead. I know, crazy thoughts, but to me, they’re real worries. Maybe that’s why I decided on more than a few Pina Coladas with extra Rum this weekend. Not to have a last hoorah, but to forget about the things that have been on my mind lately.
A lot of the time I feel like all of this has been too hard to manage, and sometimes, I even wish we would have never started trying this hard in the first place. I’m not upset that this cycle didn’t work, I’m upset that the last 30 cycles or more haven’t. To add the stress of being unemployed has only added to it. Well, the Maragaritas and Pina Coladas helped, I only wished I could have one now.