Anyone that knows me knows that I am an outspoken person when it comes to defending those that I love, but when it comes to speaking up and defending me, I just can’t. I’m the type of person that will gently smile when someone cuts in line, give more than I should and really just let people use me. Acquaintances that I know just assume that my outspoken personality is just who I am. But lately I have been trying to really get over acting like someone else. I live behind this mask of fake smiles and “I’m fine, nothing is wrong.” How can anything be wrong with me, the homecoming queen, the best smile award winner, employee of the quarter, and straight A student? How can the signature smile that I hide behind be full of soo much sadness and disappointment. I’m not sure how to tell the people that have been my friends and family for years that the pain that I am feeling is so much more than anyone can imagine. So much of me just wants to fill in everyone about the last two years in my life, but then my pride that my father instilled kicks in and I just can’t find a way to speak up. I can’t tell my closest family and friends that I am dying and screaming inside. How can the perfect daughter and best friend, the straight A student tell the people that I love, that I may not be as perfect as they desperately wish I was. I’m flawed, I have this deep dark secret and won’t speak up. Why?? Am I ashamed or angry? No, not really, more like hurt and confused.
So then where do I go from here? Speaking up is just not my nature, and telling them I’m infertile is something that will not come easy to me at all. So then, for the sake of me and my family alike should I just keep on smiling and hope that no one will ever find out my secrets? Or fess up and explain that what I am going through is much more difficult than I thought it would be.
Our families have interfered in our marriage more than I can count, all the while I just step aside and let it happen. I’ve let them use our home, finances, food, everything, you name it. I’ve never even uttered a peep. The Drs. are telling me that should I ever hope of having a child I need to lower my insanely high stress levels. But how? I’m stressed to the maxed and I’m losing this battle between myself an my alter happy ego. Speak up and tell the in-laws and mom that my tears aren’t just because I’m sensitive, but because I’m living with much more than anyone of them would guess. Problem is, I’m so tired of all the BS they’ve caused that the words coming out of my mouth will be full of four letter words, tears and yes anger. I have thought over and over what I would tell them if I ever got the balls to do it, and yet I have never had the balls. I wish I was the person that everyone thinks I am, it would make it so much easier..but I’m not. I hate confrontation and probably do everything in my power to avoid it. But I’m tired of hiding in my own home. I cry in the shower when the whole in-law family are at work. I write late at night when DH has gone to bed so that he won’t see what I write. I hide in my bedroom when my house becomes a motel for every aunt, uncle, cousin, grandmother, and great aunt rita. I’m tired of accommodating everybody else, when inside I know that I’m not accommodating myself. I can’t blame anyone for my infertility, but myself, and I can’t blame anyone but me for hiding it. Again, the dilemma…tell the family and hope they won’t cause even more stress in my life, or hide it and waive my right to speak about anything that would cause concern them. This is so much harder than I ever thought. All I have to tell them is “we’ve been having trouble getting pregnant.” I just have to open my mouth, speak up for me and hope they will understand. But I won’t. Right now it’s just easier to let life pass by without anymore glitches than I already have. Word of the wise..don’t hide and be like me. You’ll regret it for as long as you live.