St. Patty’s Day Yay!!! Even though I’m not Irish, I’m sure hoping those lil green dwarfs help me find my pot of gold full of fertile goodness.
Yesterday was D-day for me and DH. We had to meet with the overly fertile couple, YAY. I did much better than I thought. Smiled said congratulations, rubbed the tummy, and asked how she was feeling. Of coarse I do care that she is ok, I just care that it’s not me…awful I know. The dinner we met at was for another one of our friends baby, so naturally the whole dinner conversation was babies. How much they eat, sleep and poop. Cute, if you’re not the one on the end feeling like you will never be part of “those” conversations.
DH took it much harder than I thought. He did his congratulatories too, but sat completely apart from the happy couple. As we were leaving and saying our good byes I noticed his disappointment and couldn’t help but feel like all of this was my fault. He has told me time after time not to take the blame for something neither of us can control. But what else can I do other than apologize. He keeps telling me that we don’t even know if it is my fault or his. But what I do know is this hurts more than I can ever imagine.
But, in honor of National Act Happy Day today, “infertility is the best thing that has ever happened to me!!” It means that I can have complete unconsequential sex anytime I want. It means that I don’t have to be responsible for anyone else and I can be as selfish as I want. No mid sex interruptions to use a condom or diaphragm!! What the hell have I been bitchin about all these years??!! Hows that for “happy?” See, there is a good side to this, I think. At least it helps for right now to look at it that way. On to my final month of Clomid. Strange I know, but I am kinda excited for an end to that evil beast of a medicine. I know the worst is still to come, but at least I can say that we’re still moving forward. I’m still breathing, which means I guess I’m still alive, so I can still keep hoping for a miracle.