Identity

DH and I had an argument last night =( that really got me thinking about who I have become ever since we started on this long road of infertility. I still am very much myslef, just in a different way..if that makes any sense. As I’ve said before, I feel like I’ve developed an “infertile” identity based on desperation, hope and confusion. I know that sounds crazy and probably is, but everything I do from what I eat and drink, how I exercise, what I think and so on is based on this goal of having a baby. I have put so much of myself into this I almost feel that I have lost who I was. Now my carefree and easy going personality is almost a distant memory. I can’t remember what I would think about all day before we started this journey. Nowadays, from the minute I wake up and temp to the minute I fall asleep on my left side (old wive’s tale) at night all I have is “baby on the brain” 24/7. I’ve been told that once a woman becomes pregnant she kind of loses brain cells. Well, I’m NOT pregnant and so far millions of brain cells have been lost to this whole infertility thing..If I do ever get pregnant, people beware!! I may just have to go back to the basics.

Why does this consume my life? It’s like some wicked cancer that has no treatment. It has invaded my life and I’m ready for it to leave. Baby or not I’m ready to move on. Sounds bleak, but after 6 months of Clomid, 2 IUI’s and 2 years of TTC I’m beginning to realize that if I don’t get control of my life again I may never be able to be who I want to be. This whole process has made me question if I was good enough. Am I not a good enough woman to conceive? Am I not a good enough wife since I can’t give DH a child? Am I a bad believer and that’s why God is punishing me? I could go on and on and as depressing as this whole thing may sound, I really am starting to lose hope. After our 3rd IUI on Clomid we’re supoosed to be going right into Gonal-F. I think after next month I may ask the Dr. for a break. I’m physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. My child is worh every minute of pain, if I knew there would be a child. The pressure and the stress that all of this has caused is becoming overwhelming.

My friend told me about a month or two ago that they were going to start trying for their 3rd. A boy since they have 2 girls. All I could think about was “God if you get her pg. before me I’m seriously going to have some issues with you!!” Wrong I know, but this is where this road has taken me and I can’t stand it. I think I am finally going to take a break from all the  meds. after the last mo. of Clomid and just get to know who I am again…minus the hormones.

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