Valentine’s….(LONG)

Well, today is Valentine’s Day, yeah..blah. But I guess there are some good things that come out of this day, just not quite sure what at this point in the day. DH has something special planned, which is very thoughtful and appreciated especially today. Today would have been my due date so I really wasn’t up to anything special at all. But when I got out of bed and went to work I realized that I need not dwell on something that happened so long ago. If not just for me but for DH too. I thought I had gotten over everything a while back but lately I can’t help but think “what if’s.” I know that I shouldn’t and I have tried repeatedly to stop when I catch myself doing it, but for the last few weeks I just don’t want to. I’m sure I sound crazy, since it happened so long ago, but I’m afraid if I let it go, I will let go of the hope that I will ever have a baby. I don’t mean to be sappy or depressing or just plain negative, but in my mind, if I let go completely I think I would feel as though that was the end of the road. When we found out we were expecting DH and I had finally thought that our life was changing. It gave us such a postive outlook on everything that I think it helped us get through the m/c easier. Sounds kind of morbid, but after knowing that it was possible to conceive it gave us that hope that we had never felt before. Now that we have moved on and time has allowed us to forget a little, I think we are back in that same hopeless rut we were in before. That’s why I think it may be important to hold on just a little longer to those ecstatic feelings we had in June. In some odd way I think it will help us be a bit more optimistic when we start the 2nd IUI and Clomid. Someone once told me that a pessimist has much more to lose than an optimist even if they have lost the same thing. An optimist will look for a reason to start over and a pessimist will give up even before they have started. So I think with this day I may try to be a bit more optimistic, seeing as how living as a pessimist hasn’t really worked out yet. Hard day to choose to be happy, but I have decided to break the habit. Maybe I’ll start by memorizing a quote my grandmother wrote on a card for me when I was going thru some rough times in my life. Looking back, whenever I lived by that quote and applied it to my everyday mind set, I was able to walk away a winner, even if the prize wasn’t what I intended it to be. “Faith in God is praying for rain….trust in Him is bringing an umbrella.” Now I’m not that religious, but I do believe in trusting Him and my body..so I guess I’ll start with Him first.

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2 Comments

Filed under Infertility, TTC

2 responses to “Valentine’s….(LONG)

  1. emilythehopeless

    sending you lots of hugs today..
    i hope you can find the positive to help motivate you.. i know it’s nearly impossible for me.. but i see what you are saying..

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